Ramblings of an (un)satisfied twenty-something

Updates, Updates

2009-08-14T11:23:00.002-04:00

Okay, so jumping back into blogging after taking some time off? Clearly hasn't happened too well. But I do have some updates for you all, and some free time here at work (well not really, I may be procrastinating), so i thought it was a perfect time to share.

First, I am not doing so well with Molly's Challenge that I wrote about last time. First week in, I had made it to the gym 5 times, like I hoped, but had gained 2.2 pounds. I was bummed, but knew I hadn't eaten well so knew it was my own fault. Second week: gym 5 times, treadmill on additional day, and no weight gain. No weight loss either, but no gain. I was still pretty bummed. Of course, the next day I weighed myself also, which I don't normally do, and I was down 1.8 pounds from the day before, so I took it. Of course since then I had pizza twice and missed the gym yesterday. We'll see how the rest of the weekend treats me... I don't have high hopes because I will be celebrating pretty much all weekend.

Celebrating? Oh yes, celebrating. Lots and lots. Because my Boy Wonder proposed last night and I'm officially engaged!!!!! The whole thing was wonderful. I was having a bad day yesterday, so he told me he was going to pick me up from work and take me out to try and cheer me up. First we went and he got me a manicure, and I thought that was going to be it. Then he started driving around, and stopped by a boathouse near the river in town, with a beautiful view of the downtown skyline. Thinking we were just stopping there since I mentioned I had to go to the bathroom, I didn't see it coming when he stopped me, said, "I have a question to ask you," and got down on one knee. He said some beautiful things (what all they were, I couldn't tell you because I was too shocked and busy saying yes before he even finished talking), and then took me out to dinner, where he had already secured a bottle of Dom.

Needless to say, my day got a lot better!

What a difference a few months make...

2009-07-28T13:28:00.002-04:00

Oh, hello. Who am I? I'm Jenn. You may not remember me. It's been quite a while. How have you been? Me? I've been very well, thanks for asking...

I never planned on being a blogger (at all, really). But more importantly, I never planned on being a blogger who went and dumped her blog after finding a man. Whoopsie. That's kind of like ditching all your friends to spend time with only your man. (I haven't done that). But I realized that I didn't have much to say anymore. Most of my posts were about boys, flirting, dating, hooking up, etc. And now there's just the one man, and he's wonderful. And I mean wonderful. It may seem quick, but we're already living together (I know, what?!?! And I didn't think that was blog-worthy?!) and have actually already looked at some sparkly rings for the all-important finger. He hasn't proposed yet, but I know he's going to. And he's already talked to my parents about it, and my brother and sister-in-law, and his mom, and his friends, and random strangers, and pretty much anyone who will listen to him. As far as the bling goes, he's already told me to pick out whichever one I want (that we've looked at and discussed) and it's mine. Trust me, this is not as easy as it sounds.

Anyway, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things with this here blog. Thanks to Molly over at These Little Moments. She has issued a challenge. Specifically, it's about losing weight and being healthier. Since dating Boy Wonder (my nickname for him, since everything seems to work for him!), I have gained SO MUCH WEIGHT! Remember, back in January when I made New Year's Resolutions? And how one of them was to lose 30 pounds? And then how I did a 3 month up-date on those and had lost 12 pounds? Yeah... about that. Now, to meet my goal of losing 30 pounds, I actually need to lose something like 40. (Maybe I'm rounding up... I don't actually remember the exact number that I started at. I think technically I need to lose 38 to meet my goal of losing 30 this year). I've gained a whopping 20 pounds since dating him! I know this happens when you first start dating someone... you go out to eat more often, portion sizes get bigger, you order pizza every Friday for movie night, etc. but this is not good. So, since Molly is hoping to lose a little bit of weight, she's offering a support group of sorts to help anyone who wants to join. We're doing this for the next month (27 days, I think, to be precise) and I'm going to try and lose 5-10 pounds and get to the gym 5 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I'm going to be keeping track of my journey on here for the next few weeks.

I'm not trying to turn this into a weight-loss blog, but maybe getting back in the habit of writing about the challenge will help inspire me to write about other things as well. Now if I could only figure out what to write about...

Long Overdue

2009-04-02T14:57:00.002-04:00

So first and foremost, I want to assure you guys out there that I am indeed alive. And I'm still reading your blogs. I may not have written in a while, or commented much, but I do truly enjoy reading what you've written everyday.

I've been a bit MIA lately. I don't have a lot of excuses. I don't have any excuses. I've just been lazy I think. (Okay, maybe a little busy at work also, which is where I usually write). Anyway, my good friend chickbug pointed out that she noticed a little change on my facebook profile recently and thought it was blog-worthy. My relationship status has changed from "Single" to "In a Relationship." Yes, folks, the man I wrote about last here and I have decided to make things official. He is really such a wonderfully sweet guy. He treats me with respect, takes care of me, thinks about me when I'm not around. He treats me like a princess. I know things won't always be wonderfully perfect (like when he compared me to the 40 Year Old Virgin... he meant it as a complement, but I'm still trying to figure that one out! haha), but things are really great so far. Obviously any concerns I had before I met him have fallen by the wayside.

That's the only major thing going on here with me. We are a full 3+ months into 2009 and it has been great. I'm doing well on my New Year's Resolutions... 9 out of 26 books read, down 12 pounds, taking more pictures, and one credit card paid off. As I stated before, I think this year will be the best year yet.

Date Update

2009-03-16T16:47:00.001-04:00

It went very, very well.

That's all I have time to write right now. :)

The One Thing I'm Picky About

2009-03-13T10:16:00.003-04:00

So I'm going on a date tonight. It's an eHarmony guy, so who knows. We actually went to the same high school, although didn't know each other back then (he's a couple years younger than me). We've talked a few times on the phone and the conversations are really good. We have the same sense of humor and the words just kinda flow. He's funny, nice, friendly. We know a lot of the same people, so I feel like we kinda already know each other.

Here's the problem. I hate to admit this, but I'm a girl who needs to feel that instant connection when I meet someone. Like I have to feel like I want to rip off your clothes right then. Not that I would. Let's make that clear... NOT THAT I WOULD. But I have to at least feel like I want to. If I don't feel that way, no matter how good the date is, no matter how much fun we have, no matter how sweet/nice/funny/good for me he is... well likely it's never gonna happen. I might try to force it and go out with you again, but probably every time it will end the same. No feelings of wanting more and therefore not working out. It's frustrating cuz it's the one area in my life that I'm picky about. And I try not be, because it makes me feel like a bitch.

So while I'm looking forward to the date, I'm kinda not looking forward to it also. I think we'll probably have a good time, but if that connection isn't there... well I don't know. I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news, I went over to my brother's last weekend cuz he was having some people over. Three of the guys there were brothers and all three of them have hit on me in the past. Not at the same time. And not that they all knew it (I don't think at least, cuz that would be weird). It was a little awkward. There's not really anything more to that story, just wanted to share.

Happy weekend all!

Ego, much?

2009-03-04T16:35:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I know at the end of my last post I said I probably wasn't really going to contact The Reason. But I did. I figured, what the hell? I haven't talked to this man or seen him in a year and a half, we got matched again, which I know he knows about, so I'll just send him a message to say hi. So this is the message I sent him:

Hey (The Reason)-
So apparently eHarmony and Dr. Warren really want us to be together, given the fact that we were "matched" again. Haha. Seriously, I just thought it was funny, so decided to drop you a not to say hi. Hope all is well with you. Let me know if you want to get together for a drink sometime.
Take Care-
Jenn

No big deal, right? Just a friendly gesture. He didn't even have to respond if he didn't want to, since I didn't ask him any direct questions. And yet, this is the response I got:

Yeah I saw that too, funny how eharm works. I hope you are well too and Bruno (my dog) is behaving. I've been hanging out with this girl I met at a bar. Don't know if it's gonna go anywhere as she is way too young for me (23). Given our history, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be involved with me at the moment cuz I'd probably hurt you again and I don't want to do that. Maybe later on we can get a drink but I'll let you know then. Hope your fam is well and it was good hearing from you again.
-(The Reason)

Umm... maybe I'm wrong, but I don't remember saying anything to him about getting involved with him again, did I? I was just trying to be nice, which apparently in his world that means I want to get back together with him. Wow, not so much in my world... I don't want to get back together with him. I don't want to date him. I don't even want to be friends with benefits with him. I thought that maybe, MAYBE, we could be friends. Not even friends who see each other or hang out a lot. I guess more just friendly. (Okay, I admit it, I wanted to just use him for his pool over the summer).

Needless to say, I didn't respond. I felt like the fact that he would even assume that I want to be "involved" again just shows that I've matured past the situation while he hasn't. My friends think I need to write him back and take his ego down a bit by telling him that I didn't want to be involved with him, that I was just being friendly. But I don't think I need to. Thoughts?

Matched Again

2009-03-02T15:23:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. I'm a horrible blogger. I haven't been around. And when I have been, the stories have not been all that interesting. Last week I had a painful episode of tendonitis in my wrist and was told, by doctors (fine, yes they were also my parents) that I should try to not type as much. So I took a break. I'm back. We'll see if I can find something fun to write about today...

I'm ready to date, to get back out there, to meet new guys. Problem was that I hadn't been out in weeks and I wasn't meeting too many guys sitting at home by myself. Strange. S is dating a new(ish) guy (he's actually her ex from high school. they've been broken up for like 6 years, but started hanging out a while back and decided to try it again). Couple that with the fact that it's remained winter, despite my hoping daily that I'll wake up to warm weather, and S and I have not gone out since the first week in January. Yes, I had gone to that hockey game and then actually went out that same weekend with a friend, but that was the first time in literally 5 weeks I had left my house for an evening. Then I came to the realization that, yes, I still like Juice but clearly he is not ready for me. Will he ever be? Who knows. If it works out that I'm still single if/when he decides he is ready for me, then maybe we'll try again. But in the meantime? What the hell am I doing wasting my time pining away for someone who clearly does not want to be with me? Nope. Done. And all of this combined to make my decision a firm one. I joined eHarmony again.

I haven't actually met anyone yet. Or even gotten to the "open" communication stage with anyone yet. But we'll see. I'm hopeful, but mostly it gives me other guys to think about. And it's fun to get new matches every day! Even when one of the matches is none other than... The Reason.

That's right folks. The guy I dated for a year, and then some, showed up as a match in this morning's batch of emails. Wow. Now, let me say that The Reason has a very unique name, so I knew it was him immediately. I just started laughing. Seriously? I mean, seriously eHarmony? Again, wow. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given that eHarmony is how he and I met and ended up dating in the first place and given that he recently broke up with his girlfriend. I just wasn't expecting it. Even funnier... when I logged on to eHarmony later to send some communications and check out my new matches, I clicked on "Who's Viewed Me?" (which is new to me... last time I was on there, they didn't have this gem) and found that he indeed had looked at my profile. And, while he didn't communicate with me, he also didn't close me. Maybe he doesn't ever close anyone... but he had to know it was me. Granted I chopped my hair off after we broke up, but I have some of the same pics on myspace and facebook as I do on eHarmony and I know he's seen them there.

The over-analytical part of me immediately goes, "if he knew it was me and didn't close me, does that mean he's open to talking again?" And that makes part of me want to send him a message over facebook or something, making a joke of us being matched again, and seeing if he wants to get a drink sometime, as old friends. I don't think I actually will. After all, I've worked hard to move on with my life. And I want to move forward, not backward. But if nothing works out soon, it may just come to that! Ha ha

Hockey and Juice

2009-02-19T16:28:00.003-05:00

I went to a hockey game last night. My mom got two tickets as a thank you from a dentist she refers patients to, and gave them to me. The seats were excellent... right behind the goal in the third row. Now, I don't know much about hockey (or really anything at all) but let me tell you that this is the only way to watch a hockey game. You can actually see what's going on, players hit the glass right in front of you, and also sometimes hit each other right in front of you! It's just a really fun experience. But here's the real reason I wanted to go in the first place...

I happen to know that a lot of the guys I played softball with last summer work events at the arena to raise money. This obviously would include Juice (you can read about him in the archives, starting at the end of last October... there were way too many posts about him to figure out how best to get the background info out there if you don't already know). I did not know for sure if he would be there last night... I just knew that it would be my best opportunity to possibly see him. So I went.

I can't lie. I still think about him all the time. Hmm, maybe not all the time... but at least once a day, a song will remind me of him or something. Usually I just roll with it and move on. But I do still miss him. I still wish he was in my life. I still don't understand why he isn't. I still want him as a friend if it can't be anything more than that. But it wasn't until I saw him last night that I realized how much these things were true. I saw him, and my heart dropped.

We interacted a couple of times and things were as great as usual between us, considering I hadn't seen him or heard from him in about 3 months. (BTW, has it really already been 3 months since I last saw him? Flipping crazy.) I won't get into all the details of he said this and then I said this and then he said... it was all just friendly banter and discussing playing softball again this summer (which he does claim he's going to do, we'll see). And then when I went and said goodbye to him, he told me he would call me "sometime next week." Again, we'll see. I know from past experience that he won't. There's maybe a 5% chance of him actually calling. (Because I like making up odds).

And yet, the naive girl in me still wants to believe. She will hold out hope that I will get a call from him. She will do her best each day to keep from thinking about him, but when she goes to bed at night, she will be sad that once again, her phone didn't ring where his voice was on the other end. The adult woman knows that I should put him out of my mind and not think about him again. Because then she won't hurt when he doesn't call. She won't have her hopes up.

I tell myself that I'm not waiting for him. That I just haven't found anyone else to occupy my time. But maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. Maybe I'm unconsciously waiting. Maybe I need to get back onto eHarmony and meet guys there. At least then there's potential to meet others who might help me stop wishing Juice was the one.

Happy Belated V-Day...

2009-02-16T14:39:00.003-05:00

... or as I was calling it "I'm So Happy I'm Single" Day. Which I wasn't really, but I'm trying to take a more positive approach to things. Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day? I actually found myself more distraught about being alone on Friday... which may have just been because I knew I wasn't doing anything the next day, so when plans also didn't formulate on Friday? I got a little down.

Valentine's Day for me brought me candy (chocolate and mallo creams that I bought myself and conversation hearts from my parents), 2 bottles of champagne, and an interesting horoscope. Yes, you read that correctly... 2 bottles of champagne. And since I've already said that I didn't have plans for the day, you can correctly infer that I did the damage to those 2 bottles all by myself. Which I normally would be horrified by, but I'm not. I think because I was in positive mood and I wasn't drinking to drink away my sorrows. Plus, I hadn't had anything to drink for about 3 weeks prior... so don't go thinking I'm an alcoholic! And the first one I opened, I struggled with, trying for about 5 minutes to get it opened. When it finally did, well let's just say I ended up wearing a lot of it... on my clothes, on my face, in my hair. And a good bit more ended up on the floor and, as I discovered yesterday, on my wall. So yeah. It clearly wasn't exactly 2 full bottles.

Anyway, so this horoscope. Let me preface this by saying that I don't normally read my horoscope. I think it's fun, but not something I seek out. I don't read too much into them because, well let's face it, most of them can be applied to anyone. But there I was, before the champagne drinking commenced, checking my email on Yahoo. They had an headline about your love horoscope for the day. I figured, what the hell, this could be good for a laugh. I was surprised, to say the least, when it told me, in practically these words to: get all dressed up, head to a hot nightspot by myself, pick out the hottest guy in the place, and have a one night stand with him.

Umm...? What kind of horoscope tells someone to do that?! Hilarious. Granted it also said that the one night stand could lead to something more, but I'm pretty sure it was quite okay with things if it didn't. Needless to say I did not follow my horoscope, although it might make for an interesting pick-up line to try sometime. Also, go me for not texting any exes after drinking that night! Anyone else have fun stories from the day?

Update: Grammys and Introducing Dr. H

2009-02-10T12:07:00.002-05:00

So I want to first say that when I wrote my Grammys post yesterday, I obviously did not have all the details about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. When I first heard about the domestic altercation, I assumed it was Rhianna, but no reports specifically said that, so I figured it must have been someone else and that Rhianna didn't go to the Grammys to be supportive of her boyfriend. Now that other details have come out saying that it was indeed Rhianna, I feel like some people may take what I wrote yesterday to be bitchy or whatever. I hope she's okay and I hope for the best with Chris Brown as well. And when I said "alleged assault" (or whatever I said... I know the word alleged, or allegedly was in there somewhere) it was just because of that whole innocent until proven guilty thing... not because I was trying to defend him or say that I didn't believe he did it. Okay... I feel better now...

So as many of you know, I work with my mom. Yesterday she was talking to my dad on the phone when S came to tell me she was taking a quick break and so I headed out with her. I come back from that to be told that my dad wants me to call him because he wants to talk about rappers. Umm... what? So now, for your reading pleasure, is the conversation that ensued with my dad (edited for length).

Dad: I watched the Grammys last night and had a questions about rappers.

Me: Okay, what's your question?

Dad: Well, Lil' Wayne won. And he was also performing. But all rap sounds the same to me, so why did he win? What makes him better than the rest of the rappers?

Me: Well, he had a good album. His beats and lyrics are good. Plus he was performing a tribute to New Orleans, which is where he's from.

Dad: Well I couldn't understand half of what he said. Do you think I'd understand more if I listened to more rap.

Me: You mean any rap?

Dad: Well yeah.

Me: Maybe. You should have seen the performance where 4 rappers performed together. Then you'd at least be able to compare them.

Dad: Yeah that would've been good. Which rappers performed together?

Me: Let's see... there was TI, Lil' Wayne, Jay-Z, and Kanye West.

Dad: Oh wow. That would have been great.

Me: Well your birthday's coming up. Do you want me to get you some rap CDs?

Dad: Umm... I don't think so.

Me: I have a Kanye West CD already. Do you wanna borrow it?

Dad: Oh that might be good. Or I could get some on my iPod from iTunes.

Me: Okay. Don't worry, Dad, I'll get you all hooked up with some rap.

Dad: Good. That way I can start rapping with the homies.

S and I later decided his rap name would be Dr. H. Oh, yeah. And that birthday he's got coming up? He'll be turning 60.

Grammys

2009-02-09T12:28:00.002-05:00

Okay, so first off I started writing a post last Thursday while I was waiting for a patient (or maybe it was Friday...). Anyway, the patient got here before I finished the post and I never got back to it. And I don't think I'm feeling the same way as I was then, so I'm probably not gonna get back to it. But I didn't want you to think I had been truly gone all week. Now, to the topic at hand...

Did you watch the Grammys last night? Thoughts, anyone? The Grammys are really the only award show I watch. I often haven't seen most, if any, of the movies up for Oscars (or Golden Globes) so I don't have much interest there. And with the Emmys, yeah I may watch some of the shows, but not all of them, and so again I have little interest. But since I like a wide variety of music, I find that I usually know most, if not all, of the songs that are nominated. Plus, it gives me a good excuse to dance around my living room and act a fool during the performances. Here are my thoughts...

MIA performed on the day she was due to give birth?! Insane!! now, I've never been pregnant, but from what I hear by the time you're 9 months along, you don't generally want to move. Let alone get onstage and perform in front of millions. I think this may make me like her a little more. Or maybe not... I can't really decide. Something about it also sorta horrifies me.
Blink-182 announced they are getting back together. This? Makes me so happy. Now I realize, Blink is pretty much a punk band and their songs usually have little to no actual substance. But I have loved them (mostly due to my absolute infatuation with the drummer Travis Barker... and if that doesn't prove I have an affinity for bad boys, I don't know what will) forever. Plus, when a song of theirs does then have a deeper meaning it makes it all the better. I literally screamed like a 13 year old girl when they made their announcement.
I was sad that Chris Brown and Rhianna weren't there because of the whole Chris alledgedly assaulting someone. I think I've mentioned my love of Chris here before. His songs always make me wanna dance. Anyway, I was however not too upset that Rhianna therefore wasn't able to perform. I like her music usually, but she was gonna sing "Disturbia" which I really don't like and think it's overplayed.
I was pleasantly surprised that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss won so many awards. While I will admit that I only know one song of their collaboration, I find the pairing to be really unique. Plus, they beat Coldplay, who I like alright, but generally don't get the hype surrounding them.
I liked all the unique pairings throughout the night. I always find it entertaining when two musicians who you'd never think would be together, perform together. I was trying to think of a favorite, but can't. Maybe cuz my brain is slightly not working this afternoon and can't think of many of them.

Okay, that's it. Anyone else have anything to share?

Grumpy

2009-01-29T14:14:00.002-05:00

I didn't wake up this morning feeling grumpy. But my mood has taken a turn for the worse practically from the moment I actually got out of bed. Now, I understand that all the "reasons" I'm feeling grumpy are stupid. What are those reasons? Let's see....

I gained some weight back. Not all of it, obviously. But enough to make me feel annoyed. i understand that your weight can fluctuate, even within a day as much as 2 pounds. Let's just say it was more than that. And I've been continuing to eat well and exercise, so it pisses me off. Yeah, yeah, maybe I'm gaining muscle, which weighs more than fat. Well, whatever... I don't care why I gained it back. I'm just pissy that it came back at all.
Running this morning sucked. It usually sucks, but I manage to make it through. I don't run fast (only 5 mph, which most people would call jogging. I call it running because it makes me feel more accomplished) and am up to running 1 and 1/4 miles continuously (which also doesn't sound like much, but I'm not a runner, so it's a lot for me). I've been doing that for almost 2 weeks, and have been fine with it. Today, getting that last lap in about killed me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I hated it. Just when I think I'm making some headway in the running, this happens and makes me not ever want to run again.
Today (I'm pretty sure) is Juice's birthday. Now generally, he no longer affects my life on a daily basis. I'll think about him now and then, and miss him, but I move on. That's what I have to do. But of course, since it's his bday, I'm thinking about him more today than normal. Which makes me miss him even more. Or at least makes me miss having someone even more. And, since I'm a nice caring person (or maybe a glutton for punishment) I called him this morning to wish him a happy bday. Of course I got no answer and haven't heard back from him. I'm sure I won't.
At lunch today, I heard a song that I played over and over again when The Reason and I broke up. It always made me cry and at that time, that's what I needed. Hearing it just made those feelings and that time come rushing back. And the lyrics still apply. Or at least the ones that applied back then, still apply. (In case you're wondering, the song is "Comfortable" by John Mayer).
There was part of my that really hoped all my patients for the day would cancel. We had a huge snow storm here yesterday. I think I got about a foot at my house, and we're still in a level 2 snow emergency, which means don't drive unless you have to. None of my patients are ones that couldn't have waited a week to come in for their visit. Yet, none of them have cancelled. Their school is cancelled and yet they still feel the need to come in?! Fine. (I know I'm just being selfish and want another snow day, but I'm allowed).

I think that's all for now. So if anyone has something that would make me laugh, or just smile, today would be the day to share. I need something to try and pick my spirits back up.

Thank You Facebook

2009-01-22T12:51:00.003-05:00

One of my resolutions should ahve been to get back to posting more regularly! I apologize for being so MIA, but you'll be glad to know that I've already smacked myself upside the head and told myself to get with the program! (Okay, not really, but it was a good visual). I just haven't had much to blog about lately. My life is good. I'm working out and eating well (already lost 12 pounds, which is insane if you ask me). Work is fine. No drama going on in my life. No men to worry about. All in all, I would give things a B+.

So Facebook, good ol' Facebook, decided to inform me a few days ago that The Reason went from being listed as "in a relationship" to being listed as "single." I'll admit that the first thought that went through my mind was, "Really?! Wow, that makes me happy." And then I immediately felt bad about being happy that his relationship ended. I don't want him back. I want him to have a good life and find someone to love who will love him as much as I did. But that's not me. So why would I be happy about it? I guess it goes back to not wanting his life to be better than mine. And I don't know if it is. But you know how it is when a relationship ends... you want to be the one to move on first. The one to begin a new relationship first. The one to not care about the other person or what they are doing, because you have more important things and people to care about. (Or maybe that's just me...)

And then I got to missing him. What?! I know! I thought I just said how I don't want him back. Which I don't. But looking at his Facebook page, seeing him, wanting to talk to him... it all came flooding back briefly. It made me momentarily indeed want him back.

But then I got to thinking about it. I realized that there are guys that I've dated (especially recently it seems) who I always think "I want him back" when I see them, or see something that reminds me of them, or think about them too much. And I know it's not actually them that I miss. It's not The Reason. It's not the Young Ex. It's not Juice. They are not who I miss. I miss having someone. I miss all the fun of being in a relationship. All the newness and butterflies. Having someone to go to sporting events or concerts or on vacations with. Someone to just lay around with on the weekend when you don't feel like going out. Someone who wants you as much as you want them.

So I think I'm finally past all the bs that came from the break-up with The Reason. The looking desperately for someone new just to prove I don't want him anymore. I actually don't want him anymore. I wish him well. But I'm ready for a new relationship. I'm not gonna go crazy if I don't find one. I'm not going to desperately seek one out. I'm just going to be open, really open, to the possibility of having one. So I suppose I should say, "Thank you, Facebook!" You made me open my eyes to the reality that I really am happy.

Resolutions, NYE, and Fever

2009-01-12T14:30:00.003-05:00

Wow, it has been some time since I've managed to get on here and write. I apologize. You've probably all abandoned me, which I wouldn't blame you for. I haven't written a New Year's resolution post, which I fully intended to do (if only to make me more accountable). I haven't even told you about the night that was my NYE. I haven't blogged about the fever I've recently gotten, and I don't mean the sick-type of fever. So, without further ado, I will (try) and do a quick recap of all of these things.

1.) Resolutions: Okay so every year I make resolutions. I generally stick with them for a while and then get tired of them and/or forget and just quietly slip back into my normal life. I decided this year, I should be more specific about my resolutions, in an effort to focus more on the goals I want to obtain.

Lose 30 pounds - each year I say I want to lose weight and be more healthy. But putting a number on it gives me goals to shoot for. I gained about 10 pounds at the end of last year, after my high school reunion. So I want to take that back off and then some. I've been keeping track of what I eat and working out at least some every day. And I'm down 3.6 pounds so far (although I'm pretty sure the baked potato with cheese and bacon I had for lunch today is not going to help that at all. I sometimes wish we didn't have drug reps bring us lunch, it's just too tempting! And I have NO willpower).
Pay off 2 credit cards - I was pretty damaging to myself in college. Credit cards meant getting to do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't worry about having to pay them off. I realize this is the worst thing I probably could have done because I am now attempting to get out of debt, which is tough! I have 7(!) credit cards. One is completely paid off and has been for about a year now (go me!) and four of them only had limits of around $1000, so it's the other two that are gonna be the biggest problem. I'm not at my limit on any of them or anything, but I definitely need to make paying off this debt a priority.
Read 26 books - That's a book every two weeks. I read a lot anyway (every night before I go to bed) but this will get me keeping track of how much I really do read. No real reason for wanting to read more though. Just cuz.
Take more pictures - Okay so this doesn't have a number or quantity to it, but in the past I haven't taken a lot of pictures. Really only on big events or vacations. I want to take more of just everyday and family events. I think after my grandpa died it really made it more apparent that you have to appreciate the times you have with the people you love. And capturing those times in pictures is a good way to keep their memory alive.

2.) NYE - Let's just say it was eventful. If you recall, S got engaged a month or so ago after only dating the guy for a month. Because it's her life, I won't give the details here, but she basically decided that she didn't want to be with him anymore and broke up with him (okay technically not until Jan.1, but as of NYE, he knew it was coming). So she, our friend J, and I went out to a bar (with S's high school ex, and to a bar where my young ex was working. oh yeah, and her ex and my young ex? They're brothers... that's a whole other fun story). Anywa, you may recall that J was dating someone and moved to a different state to be with him. Well she moved back on Thanksgiving after him treating her like shit for about 5 months. Since she was back I was making sure she was doing okay, trying to keep her busy and not think about her ex (who she still missed), and being a good friend. A while into the night, J is nowhere to be found, S is puking and her ex and I are trying to take care of her. J finds us and gets pissed at me, yelling at me telling me that I should be more concerned about her since she and her bf had been together for 9 months while S had only been with fiancee for 2 months. She said I clearly didn't care about how upset she was. When I tried pointing out that S was puking, she didn't want to hear it, she just pointed out that she hadn't heard from me the whole week of Christmas. I told her that I had been sick (which I had told her when I first got sick) and she flat out said she didn't believe me. I ended that friendship then and there. There's no point to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't value your friendship and feels that she should be the center of your universe.

3.) The Fever - I'm a girl who has always wanted babies. Whenever I see a baby, I think about how much I want one and can't wait to be a mom. Lately though? I have had baby fever to the max! I don't know why and don't worry I'm not planning on not taking my birth control anymore and just seeing what happens, but I'm getting that itch. I know it's hard work, but I just know how fulfilling it would be. But I tell you... it doesn't help that 7 people I know are pregnant right now! Three of my high school classmates, my hs bf's sister, and three cousins of mine... I swear if one more person I know gets pregnant I may flip out! :) I'm hoping the fever subsides soon.

Bottom line... I want to wish everyone a Happy new Year (granted a little late, but whatever!) and say that I honestly believe this year is going to be the greatest ever. I've had a very positive energy about me since Jan. 1 and think things can only get better. Cheers!

Apparently Flour Does Not Exist in My World

2008-12-29T14:31:00.002-05:00

So I forgot the flour in ANOTHER recipe that I made on Saturday. Seriously?! What the eff is wrong with my cooking abilities lately? Now, granted this was in a casserole and the flour was just to thicken up the sauce. It tastes just as good without (well, maybe not seeing as though I've never made it before so I don't really know what it was supposed to taste like... but good nonetheless). Way better to forget the flour in a casserole than in cookies. I'm going to just go ahead and blame the economy again.

Other news and notes from the past week... how proud am I of Miami football? Okay, the Hurricanes didn't win their bowl game, but generally speaking I thought they looked A LOT better than Cal did. And with as many young players on the team, I'm already getting excited for next season. I think we may be on our way back. But the Dolphins?! Oh man, now that's something to get excited about (assuming you like the Dolphins). Going from 1-15 last year to making the playoffs and winning the division this year? Amazing turn around. I'm gonna be rooting for them all the way.

Christmas was good. I got some really nice things and loved spending time with my family... even if me and my younger brother did have a virus. He got it way worse than I. Stomach issues are just no fun, especially at the holidays. But all in all it was a good time. It always seems to go by too fast though.

And finally, what exactly defines a "fling"? I think I may be having one (no, not with a married man, which is what usually pops into my brain when I hear the term fling). Or maybe it's already been flung...?

Just some random tidbits for your Monday. My brain is still on vacation. Clearly.

Another Cooking Disaster

2008-12-22T10:39:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I blame the economy.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you another story from kitchen. Some of you may recall the disaster that was my Thanksgiving side dish and the meltdown that ensued. Luckily there was no meltdown, but it was somewhat of a disaster.

So, I was invited to a cookie exchange that took place yesterday. I decided to try a new recipe (found here) and wanted to make a batch ahead of time to make sure I liked it. So Thursday after work I set out to the store to get the ingredients I needed, which was a little hard to determine since I didn't really have a great concept of what I already had at home. This led me to buy things I didn't really need, but that's neither here nor there in this story. When I finally get around to making the cookies I discover that it's kinda hard to make an entire batch of cookies with just a handheld mixer (leading me to think that maybe I should have asked for a mixer for Christmas...).

While I'm making said cookies, I'm having an entire conversation with a certain somebody over text message. This "certain somebody" is also a story for another day... or maybe not at all. I'll decide later. This led me to maybe not be as focused on the cookies as I should have been. I get all done making them and think "Well there's no way this dough is going to form into balls... it's too runny." So I just plop some batter on the cookie sheet and shove it in the oven. While they're baking I call my mom to tell her about the runny batter. She asks if maybe I forgot something. I look at the recipe again and discover, oh yes I did. Flour is somewhat a major ingredient, not something that should be forgotten!

When all was said and done, the cookies did turn out to be absolutely delicious. I've heard nothing but rave reviews. Maybe I should just stay away from the kitchen for a while!

Random Thoughts

2008-12-09T11:24:00.002-05:00

I haven't had much to write about lately it seems. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm leaning towards bad. True, I mostly just end up writing about my crazy love life and the stupid boys I can't seem to get out of my head. Which means that I mostly write when I'm upset about something that's happened. So since I haven't blogged in a while, nothing upsetting has happened and no boys are being stupid (well, not proactively being stupid at least). But that also means that the past few days have been kinda boring. Since my Thanksgiving meltdown, I've just been very quietly going about my life. Day in and day out. Which is fine. But like I said, doesn't give me much to discuss. So, for you I now present random thoughts swirling through my head:

It seems like every weekend is the same thing. I go out with friends to a bar, I meet a guy who seems interested, we exchange numbers, I don't go home with him, and then I never hear from him again. It doesn't really bug me that I don't hear from them, because clearly if they were worth anything I would. I just find it fascinating that so many men just want the one-night thing. I don't expect to find Mr. Right at a bar (although I know that happens on occasion), but they shouldn't expect that I'm gonna sleep with them right after meeting them.
I can't figure out what I want for Christmas, let alone what to get anyone else! And I only have c ouple more weeks to do shopping, which normally would be plenty of time. But I normally at least have a couple good ideas. Or a day at work that I'm not too busy that I can take off to go to the mall and look around to gain inspiration. But the past few weeks I've been so busy at work that I don't have a day I can do that, and I'm not getting out of work most days until 7 so by that time I'm not in the mood to go shopping. Hopefully I'll come up with great ideas quickly, before time runs out.
Sometimes I feel a little anti-social. Last night I got home from work, did the treadmill (for the second time yesterday), worked on a report for work, made and ate dinner, and then took my dog for a walk. While I was taking my dog for a walk, I got a call from a friend I haven't spoken to in months (on my cell, which I had forgotten at home). When I got the message, I thought, "I really want to talk to her, but I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now." So I didn't call her back. Does that make me a bad friend?
I really hate driving in snow. With a passion. To the point that if it's snowing, even slightly, and I don't have to drive anywhere, I won't. Maybe that makes me a wimp.
The holidays are usually my favorite time of the year. I just wish I had someone to share them with. To go look at Christmas lights with, decorate a tree with, sit by a fire and drink hot chocolate with. So I'm trying to embrace my singleness (I'm aware that's not a word) and do these things by myself. Decorate a tree? Check. Sit by a fire? Check. Drink hot chocolate? Check. Next up, Christmas lights.

That's all I got. With any luck some boy will do something stupid soon so I have a more interesting life and story to tell!

Brought to You by the Letter B

2008-12-04T12:14:00.003-05:00

(Sidenote: does anyone have any advice to linking. I used to be able to link just fine, and now when I try to insert a link, it puts in the actual HTML language instead of linking. So for now, I'm just going to put in the website name instead of trying to link. Apparently this also happens when trying to bold words. Boo! And thanks in advance for anyone who knows how to help.)

Thanks goes out to rialeilani at & that's the way life goes (www.rialeilani.com) who has given me the letter B. Here are the rules:

If you leave a comment on this post, I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your post, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

1.) BRUNO - Bruno is my dog. He is so adorable sweet and makes me laugh all the time. He always kisses away my tears when I'm sad and is so, so excited to see me whenever I get home. I tell him every day that he's the only man I need in my life.

2.) BROTHERS - I have two wonderful brothers (whose names actually also both start with the letter B). We didn't always get along growing up, although I'd say we probably had a better than average sibling relationship even then, but now I'd consider them both among my best friends. I see my older brother almost every weekend, when we get together to go out or watch football. My younger brother lives in NYC, so it's not as easy to see him often, but when we do we have so much fun. He's always been one who I can talk to about anything and the same goes for him.

3.) BOOKS and BLOGS - I'm combining these two, since I came up with so many B things I love and they are somewhat similar. I like to read a lot. I've read every night before I go to bed probably since I began reading at the age of 4. It helps me relax and get lost in another world when mine isn't working out the way I want it to. So I would absolutely be lost without my books. Now blogs serve a similar purpose. I enjoy reading about other people's lives in their own words. They help me realize that I'm not the only one out there who feels the way I do sometimes.

4.) BOYS - I mean, seriously?! If you read my blog on a regular basis you know I'm always talking about one boy or another. Could I leave them off my list of B things? I think not! The sweet things they do (at times!). They way they smell. They way the compete over everything with one another. And the way they treat a woman they are truly in love with.

5.) BOOZE - For when the boys drive me crazy! Ha ha. No, I'm not an alcoholic, but there's something about the way a nice cold beer tastes while watching football. Or having a glass of good wine after a long day at work. Or going out with your girlfriends for margaritas. It's not something I need, but something I definitely enjoy.

6.) BED - I sometimes think I'm infatuated with my bed. It is seriously the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in. Nice and soft, with usually good sheets and a nice warm blanket. It makes it seriously difficult to get up in the morning, even when I'm fully awake and ready to go. It's a good thing I don't have a television in my bedroom or I might live in my bed during the weekends.

7.) BEACHES - Not the movie, although I like that too. It's no wonder I ended up going to school in Miami. Shockingly though, I didn't spend as much time on the beach as I would have liked during my time there. But I've always loved the beach. Growing up, my family always went to Ft. Myers Beach twice a year. There's nothing better than lying in the sun, with the waves crashing in the background.

8.) BUBBLE BATHS - One of my favorite things growing up was taking a bubble bath in the jacuzzi-type tub at my parent's house. I would turn up the radio and just let the warm water melt all my cares away. My current bathtub isn't as conducive to a relaxing bath... given how short I am and the way the tub is shaped, I have to sit straight up or lay with my head at an awkward angle. So I don't take as many baths as I would like to nowadays. I'm trying to save money to remodel my bathroom and get a jacuzzi-type tub there so I can go back to my glory days of long relaxing baths.

9.) BONO - Okay, so my favorite band of all time is U2 (dancing with a crush at my brother's wedding to "With or Without You" still remains one of my favorite memories). And I find Bono to be incredibly sexy. He's inteliigent, a humanitarian, and a rock star. Who could ask for more?!

10.) BLISS - Actual, true, 100% bliss. Happiness seems so fleeting sometimes that moments when you feel completely at peace with everything going on in your life is so wonderful. When everything is going right and you don't seem to have a care in the world. This is bliss to me and fits perfectly in with my favorite B items.

My Thanksgiving Meltdown

2008-12-03T12:08:00.003-05:00

I had a complete and utter meltdown on Thanksgiving. If I'm being completely honest, I should have seen it coming.

It started innocently enough... I was trying a new recipe to bring to our family's Thanksgiving meal, a roasted butternut squash puree. I was supposed to roast the squash for 45 minutes. About 15 minutes in, my kitchen was filled with smoke as the butter and honey were running onto the bottom of the oven and burning. Nothing was on fire, just lots and lots of smoke. Smoke detector was going off, I couldn't breathe, and I had to open my back door and screen to my front door to get a draft through to air it out... and let the 30 degree weather inside my house. I left the oven on for another 15 minutes and then turned it off and left the squash in the oven, hoping that another 15 minutes with the oven off but still warm would be good enough.

Well, no surprise, it wasn't good enough and the squash was still pretty hard. By this time I'm on the phone with my mom and upset about the recipe not working, but not wanting to show up without anything. And so even though it's not her fault, I start yelling at her and saying I'm not coming to Thanksgiving dinner and they should just go without me. We get into a huge fight and then my mind really goes dark. I just keep thinking to myself, "I'm such a failure. I fail at everything. I failed out of school (not really, just didn't finish my Ph.D. after I received my master's, but that was little solace to the way I was feeling right then), I fail at all my relationships, I fail at being a good friend since I'm more jealous than happy for S and her engagement, I fail as a daughter since I just yelled at my mom for no reason, I fail at cooking, I fail at keeping my house clean..." Just on and on in my mind.

I finally opted to nuke the squash and it turned out pretty good, although I think more people didn't like it than liked it (mostly because I have a fairly close-minded family about trying new things). But we were about 45 minutes late for dinner and everyone had to wait for us. And truthfully I was in a funk the rest of the day.

As I said, I shouldn't have been surprised really. I had been in somewhat of a funk since the weekend before with the whole Juice thing and fighting with S. I had really closed in on myself. Hadn't really been eating and in fact lost like 5 pounds in as many days because of it. I think sometimes I fake being happy for too long and don't allow myself to really feel the pain of whatever I'm feeling and then when it finally bubbles to the surface it unleashes this whirlwind that I can't stop.

I really am better now. Having been a pysch major I know the signs of depression and I'm really not. It seems like it sometimes. Last week I was. This week, I'm better. I'm eating again and getting excited about Christmas. I'm determined not to have another meltdown during that day!

I'm not sure there's a point to this post. Just needed to get it out there I guess.

Weekend update and random thoughts

2008-11-24T15:48:00.004-05:00

I'm all over the place today, admittedly. First, a weekend update...

Saturday S and I did indeed go to the OSU-Michigan game and it was all we could have hoped for. Unless you have loyalties to one of these schools, you may not know all about the storied rivalry. But it's one of the biggest and so I was quite pleased with another Buckeyes win. (And don't worry, my Hurricane friends, you all know I root for them over the Buckeyes any day). Anyway, S and I then go pick up her son and go to a friend's house where a bunch of the softball players are hanging out watching football and playing cards. She drove there and I would have followed in my car, but she indicated we'd be there late so I didn't see any reason to drive both cars. Yes, Juice was there. Awkward? Not so much. I don't have any problems with him, still care about him, still (stupidly maybe) want to be with him, and at least want to be friends so no big deal...

Without going into great details, cuz that would take a few pages to write, basically Juice and I are fine with each other being there, and in fact flirting. Because, if you recall, when we broke up it wasn't because we didn't still want to be with one another. After a while, he and I go out to the garage so we can talk a bit and of course end up making out. (What?! We both had had a few drinks. Don't judge!) So of course when everyone else realizes what we're doing, they all take turns coming and interrupting us by opening the door to the garage. Because, you know, we're in middle school and that's funny stuff. We finally give it up and go back inside. Around 8:30, S's bf says he's gonna go. Which, apparently, meant that she was gonna go too. But she didn't say that to me, so I kept playing poker. And then I realize that she's wanting to go, so I ask Juice if he'll take me back to my car later. S gets pissed at this, because she thinks I'm being stupid by wanting to stay. I'm sorry, but it's 9 on a Saturday night and I'm single and live alone. Even if Juice wasn't there, I woulda wanted to stay and hang out. So she and I get into a huge fight, which Juice sees and knows he's the reason for it. So after S leaves, Juice also leaves, leaving me with no way to get home. His best friend ended up taking me back to my car, which at least allowed me to get some info from him.

Basically, I'm pissed at the whole situation. Yes, Juice shouldn't have left. I'm not saying he isn't to blame here or that there's any excuse for that. But I can't help but think that if everyone would have just left us alone, since we're both adults and can make our own decisions, maybe it wouldn't have gotten to that point. Or maybe if S hadn't been so pissed at me for wanting to stay, causing this big blow-up between the two of us, he wouldn't have left. He already thinks that he's not good enough for me, so hearing S basically say that to me probably didn't help. I get that she was just looking out for me and trying to be a good friend, but the look on her face was so judgemental. And it's not her place. And it wasn't like I was under the assumption he and I were getting back together. I just was enjoying hanging out with him and everyone else. So that's that. I'm still just pissed at the whole situation.

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The reason S's boyfriend wanted to leave so early Saturday night (not that I knew it at the time) was cuz he was proposing to her that night. I thought he was doing it today, but I guess he just couldn't wait. My thoughts? It's way too fast. They've only been dating a month and haven't even had their first fight yet. It'll come, and I wonder what will happen. I wonder if she's really in love or just likes him enough to settle. Not that he isn't a good guy, but it just seems so fast. Oh yeah, she said yes. Maybe I'm just jealous.

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This site (http://finallyseeing.tumblr.com for some reason my link isn't working)has so many awesomely good quotes that always get to me. here are some of my favorites that I read today:

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders."

"Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would."

"You're letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't."

"The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained."

"My heart says "who cares?". My head says "you do, stupid.""

That's all I got.

Doris

2008-11-19T15:07:00.001-05:00

I stole this from ria. Just some fun, silly stuff to make my day more entertaining... it does seem to fit, but I try not to buy into things like this too much!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Doris!

You are a Doris -- "I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

* Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
* Reassure me often that you love me.
* Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Doris

* not being able to say no
* having low self-esteem
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

* are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
* try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
* are outwardly compliant
* are popular or try to be popular with other children
* act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
* are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

* are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
* are often playful with their children
* wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
* can become fiercely protective

I Got Shot Last Night

2008-11-19T11:18:00.003-05:00

No, not really. In my dream. It was way too vivid. In the dream, I was aware that there was someone who wanted to shoot me, but I didn't know who it was and there were a bunch of people around. I remember turning around, making eye contact with this guy (who was very clean-cut, not at all the type of guy you would think would shoot you) (and cute, which is really f*ed up). And then he pulls out a gun and shoots me. It goes through me and comes out my back. I wake up with my back twitching. You'd think that would be the end of it...

So after I woke up with my twitching back, I reposition myself and fall back asleep. And the dream continues. But now I'm at work so that one of the doctors can look at the gunshot wound (which also makes no sense, considering I work at a pediatrician's office). As I'm waiting to be seen, out comes the guy who shot me and no one would call the police or anything. He ends up stealing my chart, which has all my information like where I live. So now I feel like I can't even go home because he's going to come to my house and finish the job. So I decide that I should get a hold of OSB to come stay with me to protect me. That's when I wake up for real and have no more scary dream.

So I looked up getting shot on an online dream dictionary things and it said this: "To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you want to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person."

Interesting...

Can I Keep this Blog After Another Year?

2008-11-18T12:29:00.002-05:00

Well, it's my birthday. I'm 29. My last year as a 20-something. And as a friend of mine pointed out, only another 365 days until the big 3-0. I've been having mixed feelings about my birthday this year, but I woke up this morning and decided that life really is what you make of it. And gosh darn it, I choose to be happy.

I choose to not care that I'm not where I thought I'd be at this stage of my life. I choose not to care that I'm not married. I choose to not care that I don't yet, and may never, have kids. I choose to focus on the positive.

I read this quote yesterday: "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." (Albert Einstein). I've decided this will be my theme this year. I will always try to take what has happened in the past and learn from it so mistakes aren't repeated. I will always try to make the most of each day. And I will continue to have hope that one day, all my dreams will be realized.

I know there will still be times that I feel alone or lonely. If I feel that way, I will do something about it. I know there will be times (probably lots) that I want to be with this boy or that boy and wonder why he doesn't want to be with me. If I feel that way, I will remind myself that if he doesn't want me, then I don't want him. That someone out there does want to be with me and if I spend too much time focusing on the wrong guy, the right one might pass me by.

I know I still have a lot of learning and growing, but I'm at a place where the past doesn't look as good as it used to and the future keeps looking better and better. My happiness is my own. No one else can make me happy or take it away from me.

I have faith that 29 will be the best year ever. Let me repeat that... the BEST YEAR EVER!

(And those days that I'm questioning it or feeling bad? Just redirect me here and I'll say to myself, "oh yeah." Plus, don't worry... I'm sure I will still have many boy stories.)

Warning: Stolen Idea Ahead

2008-11-17T13:47:00.003-05:00

Brandy, over at It's like I'm... mmmagic!, not too long ago wrote about songs that held special memories for her. I told her I was going to steal the idea. I just needed to figure out which ones had good memories to go with them. And I've finally got a short list compiled. So, here we go!

1.) Brown-Eyed Girl, by Van Morrison. This may seem odd to anyone who knows me, considering I have blue eyes. (Really, more blue-grey, but I guess that's splitting hairs). I was in Hawaii (the same trip I wrote about here) and met a cute boy at a luau. We spent the entire night talking, joking, a little bit of kissing. It was wonderful. Anyway, on the bus ride back he and I sat together. Holding hands, more kissing. Awwww. So the tour guide guy at the front of the bus was singing songs and playing the ukulele to entertain us for the trip. He's getting ready to sing this song and asks if there's any brown-eyed girls on the bus. Without even looking at me to see what color my eyes were (after all, he had only met me a few hours before), he yelled out, "No, she's got blue eyes!" And then leans in closer to me and says, "Beautiful blue eyes." Every time I hear this song, it brings me back to that moment and makes me smile and have faith in men.

2.) Strawberry Wine, by Deanna Carter. It was fall of 1997. I was 17. And this song almost perfectly fits with what was going on in my life. It talks of first love, which is exactly what I was going through at the time. I had just lost my virginity to the man I really believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Turns out? Things didn't work out quite the way I thought it would. (Don't get me wrong, we were together for another 3 years). But everytime I hear this song, I go back to being lost in love with him. And then the line "Is it really him or the loss of my innocence, I've been missing so much?" hits home and I realize that I miss what I had with him and want it again, just with someone else.

3.) So Sick, by Ne-Yo. St. Patrick's Day 2007. The Reason and I had broken up 3 days earlier. I debating even going out to celebrate the holiday, since I was clearly devastated by the end of our relationship. But, I dragged myself out to celebrate with my Irish Friend and her fiance. We consume several shots, drink good Irish beer, and even have some whiskey. Around 1 in the morning, we decide to go to a different bar and on the cab-ride over this song comes on the radio. Irish Friend and I start singing it at the top of our lungs, "I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so done with wishing you were still here." It was exactly how I felt at the moment. I was sick of thinking of him. We got to the bar and made the cab driver stay there while we finished listening to the song and danced in the street.

4.) Buy You a Drink (or Buy U a Drank), by T-Pain. July-ish of 2007. S and I had known each other at work for a few months, but that's where we left it. One Friday, she and I decide we should go out together that night, since we were both trying to get over stupid men. Problem was? Since neither of us went out all that often, we had no idea where to go. So we ended up driving around for a couple hours, checking different places out and not really liking anything we came upon. We heard this song about 5 times as we drove around the entire city of Columbus, including a ride through one of the most ghetto areas. Having heard it so often we decide it's now officially "our song." Finally, we make it downtown and come upon a bar/club and decide to roll down the window to see if we can hear any music coming from it. Lo and behold, you guessed it! We hear "our song" and decide it's a sign. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyone else out there have any songs that hold special memories for them?

Advice Needed

2008-11-14T16:56:00.004-05:00

So here's the situation...

S is my best friend. She has been dating her boyfriend for all of 3 weeks now, but they've known each other since April. Thank you softball. Anyway, he is completely head over heals in love with her. I know this not only from Juice (we gossiped about it when we were dating) and also straight from him. He knows she is the one for him.

Now S has this habit of joking around about things, and being only half-kidding when she does so. So I know that everything she says has at least a little truth behind it. So when she and the boyfriend started joking around about getting married on May 24, I knew there was at least part of her that was serious, but she probably figured he wasn't.

S also usually tells me everything. She has told me that she really cares for her boyfriend a lot, but she hasn't actually used the term "love", at least not around me. She could be telling him she loves him all the time. In fact, from a conversation I had with him, it sounds like maybe she does. I guess my point here is that I don't know if she's downplaying her feelings around me cuz of the Juice situation (which she totally wouldn't have to do) or if she's playing up her feelings to him. All of this is just background info for the pickle I find myself in...

He's planning on asking her to marry him on Nov. 24, 1 month from the day they started dating. He has it all planned out (and it's really cute and romantic). I know this because he told me. Because she hasn't ever told me she loves him, I'm not sure she's going to say yes, which would crush him. From what he has said to me, he truly believes that she will say yes, so maybe he knows more than I do.

My point is that I feel like I should say something, but I don't really think it's my place. I know that she wants it to be a surprise when a guy proposes to her (cuz we've talked about these things), so I don't feel like I can tell her he's going to ask. And I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth by telling him he should maybe hold off on the proposal for a little while if she really is in love with him and wants to marry him. The past couple days I've joked around with her about the fact that they were going to get married, and she just kinda laughs and says, "yeah, okay. or he's gonna turn into a big jerk like the rest of the guys we know." So I can't tell if she really wants to or not. I'm afraid that he's gonna ask and it's all gonna blow up in everyone's face if she says no. He really is good for her and I think would treat her well, but I think it's rushing it a bit.

What do you think? Say something to one of them, and if so, who? Or just wait and see what happens?

Oh, and btw, I'm guest posting over here tomorrow. Come check it out!

A Week Later

2008-11-13T15:04:00.002-05:00

A week ago I talk to Juice. We break up. He's not in a place where he can give me everything I give to him. He appreciates me. He cares about me. He's open to revisiting us in the future if the timing works out better, but right now he needs to work on him. He still wants me in his life and wants to be able to get together, hang out, talk, etc. He wants to come out for my birthday celebration. He says he'll call me over the weekend or beginning of the next week.

Last night, still having not heard any word from him, I call him. I leave a voicemail telling him about the plans for the festivities for Friday night. I hope to hear back from him one way or another. Whether he's coming or not. I tell him this. I also tell him not to be a stranger.

Nothing. And this? Just makes me angry. I was fine with breaking up. I took the high road. I didn't make him feel shitty for starting something he couldn't finish. I didn't care (well, okay. that's a lie. I cared, and still do, that we broke up. But I didn't let him know that). Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth. If you don't want to be friends, say so. If it'd be too hard and confusing to see me right now, say so. If you want me gone from your life, say so. Don't tell me you want me in your life and you want to be friends if you don't. Don't say you'll call me over the weekend or beginning of the week if you have no intentions of doing so.

It's way easier to be mad than sad at least. I guess I just question everything he ever said to me now.

Bullet point highlights

2008-11-11T12:35:00.002-05:00

I know it may seem silly to most people, since we were together for only a month, but I feel like I'm emotional garbage cuz of this Juice thing. Most of the time, if I'm busy, I don't think about it. I go about my life, getting stuff done, focusing on me. And then, it will all of a sudden hit me and next thing I know I'm bawling my eyes out while watching a woman's weight-loss journey on the Style network. Garbage (not the show, me). And I go back and forth between feeling like everything will all work out the way it's supposed to, to feeling like I'm sad cuz I finally found a guy who says and does all the right things and he can't be with me, to feeling like I should fight for him and let him know exactly how much he means to me and what I will do for him. Most of the time these emotional roller-coaster episodes end just as quickly as they start and pretty soon I'm back to doing other things. but I don't like it. Emotional garbage. That's me.
I may get to go to the Ohio State-Michigan game!! S's step-dad has a line on some tickets and, while neither of us can afford to buy them outright, we can pay some upfront and my parents are willing to pay the difference (which we will pay back) so we can go. This may not seem like a big deal to some... but in C-bus, this game is pretty much all that matters. Yes, we always want to win. Yes, we want to go the national championship. But we consider it a winning season if all we do is beat Michigan. So this years game may not be the thriller it always is (considering Michigan's, well, lack of winning this year), but it would still be a blast to go to.
I've been in a charitable mood lately. I filled up a box of old clothes and gave it to the Volunteers of America. I pledged to give money to Children's Miracle Network. I've already bought 40 cans of food to donate to our yearly food drive (and want to get to at least 100 before it's over). And I've been thinking about starting a nonprofit organization for childhood obesity. Partly, this is because I work with a lot of kids who are overweight at my office (as part of the Healthy Kids program there), but it doesn't feel like enough. Many of the familys can't afford to pay anything for the program, so we're basically doing it for free anyway. And if I started a nonprofit, maybe we could get governmental funding to help pay for other things that I think the kids would benefit from. Now, granted, a lot of times I have very lofty ideas and goals that never get off the ground. But let's just say I'm doing my research.
As I briefly mentioned yesterday, my birthday is coming up. It's one week from today actually. It will mark the beginning of age 29. My last year as a twenty-something. I have some mixed feelings about this. I definitely thought I'd be in a much different place at 29 than I actually am. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I love my life. Could I be happier? Yeah, of course. But I'm working on it. And I think that 29 will be the best year ever. Mark my words.

Friday Night, AKA A Night I'd Like to Forget

2008-11-10T12:50:00.004-05:00

I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats wondering if I went to the bar on Friday. Well, I admit it. I did.

But before you all get up in arms about how I shouldn't have done that, let me go on to say that I didn't actually go inside the bar. We (me, S, her bf, and another guy we know from softball) got there. Looked into the bar and saw 2 older people (think 50's maybe) dancing and that was about it. Granted, it was still earlier than what that place usually picks up, but we didn't want to pay the $5 to get in if it was gonna be lame. Plus, I realized it just didn't matter. The Reason doesn't matter anymore. He should go on with his life. I should go on with mine. And if our paths ever meet again, well then so be it. (I will graciously accept any applause you'd like to throw my way now. Trust me, you may not be applauding later).

So, why then, you might ask, is Friday a night I'd like to forget? I was upset about Juice. I was in a funk. I was pissed off at men and hating everything. So when we first get to the other bar we decide to go to and Other Softball Boy (OSB, who doesn't actually play softball with us, but is the brother of one of the girls on the team and comes to all of our games... so he's not really friends with the softball boys, this becomes important later) asks me if I want a shot? I decidedly repsond, "Tequila." Oh tequila. Now, one tequila shot? Not such a problem. It's when I have more than one that I get all messed up. That night? Three or four tequila shots. I lost count. Not to mention the other girly shots I had. And the beer. Several beers.

I was clearly on a mission to get drunk. On a mission to forget. On a mission to just not care anymore. Mission complete. We're all having a good time. We're all dancing in a group. We're all sorts of being silly. And then OSB kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. At first, I go along with it, but soon I realize that I don't want to be kissing him. That every time he kisses me, I wish it were Juice. And that? That brings on the tears. Luckily the bar was closing, so the tears happened outside, after we left. But they just kept coming and coming. I remember sobbing to S, "I miss him. I didn't mean to kiss OSB. I wanted it to be Juice." And then smoking a ciggarette, which btw, I don't do.

I don't want it to get back to Juice. But it very well might. And I can't do anything about it. if it does, it does. If it doesn't, great. I know Juice can't be mad at me. He's the one who can't be with me right now. But seriously? The day after we break up, I'm kissing someone else? Not nice. And possibly enough to make him not want to be with me ever again. Which I know is my fault. Maybe I'm overdramatizing. Maybe it won't matter to him, since it was just kissing and it brought me to tears. Who knows. I guess we'll see. Last we spoke he said he'd call over the weekend or beginning of this week. Haven't heard from him yet, but there's still time.

We're going out this Friday for my birthday (which is a week from tomorrow). And by "we" I'm not really sure who all I mean. Juice said he'd come out with us. S and her bf. OSB said he was, but that was before all the kissing and crying. My brother and sister-in-law will come. Some of his friends probably. Alledgedly the young ex and his friends want to join. I'm just hoping it will be better than last Friday. Lot of drinking and maybe not so many tears.

No More Juice For Me

2008-11-06T16:53:00.003-05:00

Well maybe that's not completely true. No more boyfriend Juice right now. I decided to call him while I was waiting for patients this afternoon, just got off the phone with him actually, and we had a discussion about... well kinda everything.

He feels like he's not mentally anywhere able to give me what I deserve (you know how I feel about that), given that his last relationship just ended 2 months ago after 4 years of being together. She really mentally fucked him over (excuse my language) and he's scared to try again and still hurting from that. He doesn't want to drag me into it.

He thinks I'm amazing. He hopes that maybe when he figures it all out we can give it another shot, but doesn't expect me to wait around cuz he doesn't know how long it will take. He appreciates me and cares about me. He just needs to take care of himself first before he can give anything to anyone else. He's also sorry he's left me in limbo and said he's thought about me a lot over the past couple days.

For now, we're just gonna be friends. He says he'll call me sometime this weekend or beginning of next week. I hope he really does. Because I understand where he's coming from. And I care about him. Even if we can't be together, I want to be in his life and I want him in mine. Maybe that's stupid. Maybe everyone will tell me that it'll be harder to stay friends if there's still feelings involved. But I think I can do it. I've done it before. And who knows what the future holds.

Being Deserving

2008-11-06T13:39:00.002-05:00

You know what I find annoying. Whe a guy breaks up with me by saying something along the lines of , "I don't deserve you. You're too good for me." I find that to be utter bullshit. And it happens a lot to me for some reason.

Guess what? I don't deserve to be on a pedastal. I like to drink, have sex, party too much. I'm not very clean (house-wise). I like to eat junk food and don't much care for exercise. I have my faults. And if I'm dating you, then I expect you to accept these faults, as I accept yours. So don't say you don't deserve me. Let me decide whether or not you deserve me. If I'm dating you, obviously I see something good in you and think you do deserve me.

When I care about someone, it happens quickly and hard. With boys, with friends, with anyone. If I decide you're worth caring about, I will do anything for you. Having a bad day? I'll listen to you for hours, even if you end up repeating yourself. Feeling stressed? I'll try and do something nice for you, like bake you cookies or take you out for dinner, to help get your mind off of things. I will want to spend time with you, keep you company, treat you well. That's just who I am. That's my nature.

Yes, I come from a good family. Yes, I own my own home and pay all the bills for it on my own. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I was a good girl (for the most part) growing up. But those things don't make who I am. And you shouldn't feel like you don't deserve just because you maybe didn't come from a good family. Or don't own your own home. Or struggle to pay your bills. Or maybe you have to work really hard at your job. Or maybe you were always getting in trouble growing up. Just because we're different in these aspects doesn't mean that you don't deserve me.

All I ask, all I ever ask, is that you treat me well. Treat me right. If you treat me the way I deserve to be treated, then you do deserve me. No matter what you do, no matter where you come from, no matter how much money you make. Guys always say they want a girl like me, but when they have the chance to be with me, suddenly they don't deserve me. Let me be the judge of that.

(This only partially stems from the issues with Juice. Still haven't talked to him, but one of his friends who is dating S told her that he thinks that Juice doesn't deserve me. Which makes me think that maybe part of what Juice is thinking about is whether he deserves me. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But he should at least tell me where his thoughts are headed so we can talk about it. I'm calling him tonight. I've given him 3 days to think without bugging him. What I deserve is some answers).

Running into The Reason

2008-11-05T12:40:00.002-05:00

We're taking a break from Juice today... well at least for this post. Because really, too much juice just gives you extra sugar and calories that are not needed. (Okay, that time I was talking actual juice not the who-knows-if-he's-still-my-boyfriend Juice, although one could argue that he too may give me extra calories, but I digress...)

Here's the thing. I happen to know (via facebook) that The Reason will be at a certain bar this Friday. This bar is one that my friends and I often go to, although we haven't been in a couple months. I'm kinda all about going there Friday to "happen" to run into him. I know. What am I thinking? Well let me tell you what I'm thinking...

First, there are times that I still think I have feelings for him. Not often. Usually if I'm already having a bad day, or are down about something, and see or hear something that reminds me of him. That's when I think I still have feelings for him. Part of me thinks that if I see him, I'll realize that I'm so over him and don't want him back. Which will, in turn, make those moments a thing of the past.

Second, when you live in the same town as your ex, even one as large as C-bus is, you're bound to run into them eventually. It's really just a matter of time before our paths take us to the same bar one night, or run into each other at a mall, or what have you. And everyone knows that the first time you see an ex after you've broken up is the hardest. People don't usually have the luxery of knowing when that will be. If I go to this bar on Friday, knowing I'm likely going to run into him, I will be prepared and therefore it won't be as hard as just happening to run into him. Plus, this will allow me to look my best, which is also often not the case if you actually just happen to run into an ex.

Third, his new girlfriend won't be there. At least via textbook it says that she won't. Which would also be good, cuz even if I'm over him, I'm not sure I'd want to see him with a new girl. It' just one of those things. As happy as I am that I'm not with him and (maybe, potentially) dating someone else, it would still hurt a little to see him with someone new. This is also not a luxery one usually has when seeing the ex.

Finally, I like to think of it as my bar. It's not his. I've avoided going to bars that I know he goes to a lot, or at least did when we were together. So I want him to know that this is a bar I go to. Me, not him. I know it doesn't have to be this way. But it would make him think twice about going there again probably, which would greatly reduce the number of times we would actually just happen to run into each other.

So, what do you think? Am I being stalker-ish about this? Am I just rationalizing reasons to go there? Do you think that I'd even be thinking about going there if Juice and I were still in happy-land? (You knew it would all come back to juice in the end, didn't you?!)

Nothing

2008-11-04T15:01:00.002-05:00

Well still no word from Juice. I'm trying not to be the clingy, pushy girlfriend... but that's hard when I know he's "thinking" right now (okay maybe not right now, since he's at work). Granted, I don't know what he's thinking about exactly. It could be that he's just thinking about whether he should take this new job if he gets it, or where he should live right now considering the crazy ex-girlfriend situation. Or it could be more complicated... like whether he's really ready to start a new relationship if he's still fresh out of the last one, or whether its fair to drag me through this when he's got a lot going on (which he's already said previously). So I didn't call him last night, or text him this morning like I often do. I waited until after my lunch and then sent a simple "Hey babe, just wanted to check on you and see if you're doing okay. hope you're having a great day :)" No mention of call me or text me. No mention of talking. No stress, just a nice I'm thinking of you kinda text. No pressure. No word from that either, but again he's at work and doesn't always have his phone on him or is able to respond or whatever right away. I really do want to talk to him though, face to face, and let him know that I'm there for him. That I will respect and understand any decision he makes, but that I'm willing to try and make this work. Not to worry about whether it's fair to me or not, because as soon as I think it's not fair to me, I'll let him know. The thing is that I think if we have a face to face chat, he'd want to come over right from work, cuz its easier, and the only day to do that would be tomorrow since I don't have any patients and can get home from work early. But that would mean I'd have to talk to him tonight, and since I already sent him a text, if I get no response to that I'd have to call him and he'd have to answer the phone. These were not things I worried at all about a couple days ago. I'd assume he'd respond to my text when he had time and if I didn't hear from him, I'd call and it would be no big deal. But now I'm overanalyzing it all and thinking, well I don't want him to think I'm obsessed (which maybe I am right now, but only cuz I'm not a fan of being in limbo and not knowing what's going on) or forcing him to make a decision about us.

Okay, I have to stop thinking. All of that just kinda spewed out of my brain and onto the page without too much thought. Which means that my brain is a little overflowing with this shit. I wish I had more going on at work today to give me something else to think about. But, as usual, I don't have any patients until late this afternoon. And I didn't have any reports to work on or anything. So I've had a bunch of time to just sit and think. And think the worst. Which makes me sad. So I'm officially going to stop talking/thinking about him until at least 6, which I should be done seeing patients and leaving work. And I'll only think about him then because I will turn the ringer on my phone back on, which will mean I'll find out then whether he called or texted me back. Wish me luck in trying to distract myself!

And thanks for listening to me vent. S is the only one of my friends who has come around. She apologized for yesterday and sat with me at lunch to discuss the Juice situation. But everyone else... nothing. So thanks for being there for me!

What Are Friends For?

2008-11-03T21:26:00.002-05:00

I'm currently feeling a little pissed at my friends. I'm always, ALWAYS there for them when they're going through something with a guy. S's huge break-up? I was right there with her. J's arguing with her Navy boy? I literally have listened to them fight over the phone, not saying anything for 15 minutes (okay, I'm not sure that made sense... I was talking to J on the phone. She was at her house with Navy boy, and they literally yelled at each other for at least 15 minutes while I just sat there listening, wishing I could help my friend). Not to mention all the times she's called bawling about how awful it is with him. E's many break-ups and new boys? I hear about all of them in great detail (think: then I said this, and then he said this, so I said this, and then he said this... you get the picture).

And I try to not vent too much to them about my boy problems. That's part of why I created this blog in the first place. I wanted to be able to whine about my issues, even though many of them may be self-inflicted, without feeling like I was annoying my friends or just repeating myself over and over again to them.

But today, what with has gone on with Juice (who btw? hasn't called tonight like he said he would. but I'm trying to chalk that up to him needing time to think, so I didn't call him either), I really needed some emotional support. S got a brief version at work, but not in detail. And although on most days she has a few minutes to come back to my office to text her bf, somehow just didn't have enough time today. Nor has she called tonight to check in on me. I called E (who also got a brief version via email today) because she would talk to me about it tonight. I got a "hey, I'm eating right now, can I call you back?" That was 3 and a half hours ago. And I called J and had to settle for voicemail, saying I really needed to talk to her about Juice and please call me back. Nothing.

I really needed to talk to someone tonight, to keep my mind off the fact that Juice hadn't called and that we were probably over for the time being. And I get a big fact nothing. it sucks to be the good friend who is always there for any of my girls when I need them and get nothing in return. Maybe I'm being overly bitchy, but I really needed someone.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

2008-11-03T16:36:00.003-05:00

I should have known it was too good to be true. That if it seemed like a fairy tale, it couldn't be real. With Juice. And it's not even something he did, or didn't do, or anything I can be upset about. let me back up...

I knew going into this that he had recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship. Things had been bad for a while, and when she broke up with him, he still tried to be the bigger person by helping her out as much as possible, even still living with her because she couldn't afford to get a place of her own. And I knew, even before he said so, that he had to still have some feelings for her. You don't get out of a relationship that's lasted that long without still having something there. Even if you know it's never going to work.

So I got it when he called me yesterday, upset after having a fight with her. I understood why he was hurt when she was being a bitch and saying just rude, personal things to him. I told him to come over and stay with me, which he did. When he got there, and was sitting with me, I asked if he needed or wanted anything. He squeezed my hand and said, "This is all I need right now, just being here with you." We hung out, relaxed, just enjoyed each other's company. He left this morning, kssing me goodbye as I was still half asleep (he has to be at work way earlier than me) and told me he'd call me later.

I text him when I get up and around and he calls back a few mintues later. Over the course of a couple phone calls, briefly interrupted by a phone call from his momma (as he calls her, isn't that adorable?), he tells me that he's looking into a new job that a friend of his told him about. He'd be making more money, but working 70-80 hours a week. And the job is in West Virginia. (Note: we live in Ohio). He quickly says that the job gives him money to drive home whenever possible. Okay...

He also says that his momma has things to do tonight and just told him to stay at her house tonight, when he had been planning to stay at my place again. After he says he's gonna stay there he says something to the effect of, "I think this will be good, cuz it will give me time to sit and think about what I need to do. Think about what's best for me and everyone around me and in my life." Umm, I'm guessing that includes me. He also says something about just taking everything a day at a time.

He pretty much ends the conversation saying, "I appreciate everything you did for me last night, baby. I needed you to be there for me and you were and I can't thank you enough. And... (kinda delayed pause) you're great." He said he just wanted to let me know where his head's at and where he'll be, and also that he would call me tonight from his mom's.

I understand, maybe I'm just expecting the worst. But just the things he said, or maybe the way he said it, makes me feel like after he's done thinking, he'll decide that it's not the right time to start anything with me. That it wouldn't be fair, given everything that's going on with him right now. I don't doubt that he likes me. And I don't doubt that if timing was different, he wouldn't have to think about it. He knows I'm a sweetheart and I think he does want to be with me. I just don't want him to give up on something that could potentially be great because he thinks it will be too much work right now, or that the timing is bad. Yeah, the timing could be better. But I think that it's still worth a shot, and I don't think he's going to be willing to give it that.

I know, everyone will say, "He's not worth it. If he wants to be with you, he'll make it work, otherwise forget him. Just move on. He does have too much drama surrounding him and you deserve someone without baggage." Okay, true. But it's hard to explain. There was this magic, fairy tale like feeling to us. And you don't feel that every day. Hell, you can go a lifetime without feeling that. And I don't want him to give up on that just yet. But I have no control over it. All I can do at this point is let him do his thinking, and then have a sit-down face to face chat about how I feel and see what comes of it. It just sucks that I know that if it doesn't work out, it isn't because we don't have feelings for one another. It's just timing.

Spoke too soon

2008-10-30T16:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I shouldn't have opened my mouth before. Juice just found out he has to watch his nephew tonight from 6 until 9 so he won't make it over to help me pass out candy after all. So the dog will continue to be a problem. And I'm disappointed, but I shouldn't be. I should be happy that he cares about his family enough to help them out. Shows that he's a good family man. I was just really looking forward to seeing him tonight.

Beggar's Night

2008-10-30T13:21:00.004-04:00

Tonight is trick-or-treat night in my neighborhood. This is one of my favorite nights each year. I love seeing all the kids in their costumes and hearing them yelling "Trick-or Treat!" It makes me want to have babies even more than I already do, since by far my most favorite of the little kids are the real young ones. (Don't worry... this won't be happening any time soon).

Here's the problem, though, at my house with beggar's night... my dog. My sweet, wonderful, loving dog. He has a tendency to not like people so much when they're at the door. If they come into the house, obviously they are his new best friend. But if they stay on the outside, that must mean they're trouble. So he barks, sometimes growls, and tries to run outside to get them. (I don't think he'd actually do anything, he's much too chicken and would probably end up backing away, but I'd rather not find out). Anyway, this means that I have to scoop him up (weighing in at slightly less than 10 pounds makes this easier), plus pick up the bowl of candy, and open the door for the kiddies. This is not always the easiest of tasks, seeing as how I only have two hands.

Tonight, however, my problems may be solved! Juice (aka Mr. Softball as he's previously been known) is coming over to help me pass out candy. How sweetly domestic is that?!

Happy Monday

2008-10-27T15:40:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update...

1.) I did indeed make it through the rest of the day. I got tired of giving the same lecture over and over again (which leads me to wonder how high school teachers and college professors do it all the time), but I managed.

2.) Thank you rialeilani for the info on helping my shins out! I haven't gotten new shoes, but I also slacked this weekend and didn't run. I might have to use part of my next paycheck to get new running shoes to help with the shin splints. Until then, I will just suffer and ice.

3.) Mr. Softball (who, by the way, we're calling Juice from now on) called! Alledgedly, his phone never gave him the voicemail icon and he didn't realize I had called. He apparently had 14 messages when he finally checked it. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. My phone has done that before too, although it never took me a week to realize it. And so why didn't he just pick up the phone and call me? He claims he just assumed I woke up and realized what I was doing and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Regardless, we talked Friday and then were together Saturday night at a party. We had a discussion that night and apparently have decided to give this thing a real try. So, yay!

4.) I don't really have any more updates, but I will say that I'm looking forward to this week... Halloween is always fun. Plus, we're closing the office early for trick-or-treating on Thursday, which means I will not have a repeat of last Thursday. And my parents got me an early bday present... going to see the Olympic gymnasts this Saturday!!

Hope everyone else is doing well. Happy Monday!!

Mission (almost) Accomplished

2008-10-23T15:15:00.002-04:00

Well the first part of my day has been okay. I got up, actually woke up before my alarm so yay! for me, and did my run this morning. I still hated it. It still felt like I was going to die, although maybe, maybe, not as much as Tuesday. Breathing was a little easier, but my shins? Not so thrilled with me. But I did it. And I'm very proud of myself for getting through it.

Still have to make it through the afternoon of patients, but I think it will be okay. Positive thoughts. Positive energy. That's what I'm hoping for. Plus, still nothing from softball boy. Not too surprised there, just disappointed. But my phone has been in my bag, rather than on my desk, so that's kept me from religiously checking it too much.

The thing helping me get through the day? The idea of a glass or two of wine while watching Grey's Anatomy tonight.

Tomorrow

2008-10-22T23:47:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had a day coming up that you are NOT looking forward to? Like, at all? Well, that's how I'm feeling about tomorrow.

First I have to get up earlier than I like (granted, not until 8:30, but for a girl who doesn't go to bed usually until 1, then reads for a while, and then has trouble falling asleep most nights... and I don't have to be at work until 11... so 8:30 seems early to me). And the reason I have to get up early? So I can work out. Namely, run. I don't like to run. And I'm trying to like it. I want to run a 5K at some point, which means I have to build up to it. So in the program I'm doing, tomorrow I have to run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 5 minutes, and then walk 2 and 1/2 minutes, then repeat. I know this doesn't sound like much to others who like to run, but it left me literally gasping for air and feeling like I was going to die. The idea of doing that again tomorrow? Not loving it.

Then, at work, I have four patients literally back to back to back to back. And the first three back to backs? I'm doing the same hour-long lecture for all three of them. And my last patient doesn't start until 6, so I won't be home until after 7. Which just makes for a long day. Yes, I would rather be busy than not have anything to do at work, but I'd much prefer having them at least a little more spread out.

And finally, I called the guy from softball tonight. I still hadn't heard from him, so I wanted to maybe try and clear the air. So I left a message basically saying that I hoped he was okay and I had enjoyed getting to know him, but I wish he had let me know what was going on. And then ended saying that I hoped we were cool and he'd still come to the playoffs on Friday and promised there'd be no drama. I was trying to come across as nonchalant, but worthy of a little respect. But I'm worried I came across as whiny, bitchy, or crazy. Of course that could just be in my head. Of course, this means that all day tomorrow I will be religiously fixed on my phone, hoping that he calls back and gives me a heads up as to what happened. And he probably won't. Which will make me more frustrated.

So, yeah. Not looking forward to tomorrow at all. (I guess technically at this point, that would be later today). So I'm going to try and visualize a perfectly wonderful day. And maybe that will make it all that way.

Deja Vu

2008-10-20T11:49:00.002-04:00

I swear I don't know how this keeps happening to me. I meet a guy, he acts interested, calls me all the time, and then out of the blue, he just starts ignoring me. WTF?!?!

I hadn't mentioned this guy on here, cuz I didn't want to jinx it or anything, but now I need to let it out. We played softball together all summer and this fall, and a week ago last Friday, we have some drinks after the games and end up making out. He says all the right things, seems so sweet and into me. Texts and calls me the next day, and then I hear from him Monday through Saturday, usually 2 or 3 times a day. And we see each other Friday again at softball. We hang out a little bit after the game and when we leave he hugs and kisses me a couple times. When I hear from him Saturday he said "your boy" (meaning him obviously) in the text. He tells me to call him when I'm done with my plans that night. I text him when I realize that what I was doing that night was going to take longer that originally thought and see what would be too late to call. And I get no response. So I don't get done that night (had gone to a haunted prison with friends about an hour and a half outside of the city) until about 1:30 am and decide not to call since it's late and I never heard from him. Call him Sunday to apologize for not calling Saturday and tell him to give me a call if he gets a chance. Still no word from him.

Now, I get that we aren't dating and are just talking and getting to know one another, but I don't understand how he can go from talking to me a couple times a day to nothing. Especially since every other time he's missed a call from me or hasn't called when he said he was going to, I get an apology text from him first thing the next morning. And this is coming from a guy who claims to hate being mean to anyone, wants to be nice to everyone all the time. Feels bad when he doesn't stop to help a stranded motorist on the side of the road.

Maybe I'm making too much of it. Maybe he still will call. But my past experiences tell me he won't. Maybe he's just been busy. But how long does it take to send a freaking text at least. Or make a quick phone call. All I ask is that he's honest with me. If you're no longer interested, say so. If you're gonna try to work things out with your ex (who he broke up with a couple months ago after 4 years), then tell me that. Don't just leave me hanging. Don't initiate anything if you're not interested. Don't start anything up if you're gonna stop after a week. Don't waste my time.

And what pisses me off the most is that I wasn't even looking for anything. I had made my six month rule to stop thinking about guys or looking for anyone, and it was working just fine. I was just chillin', living my life, not wanting anything to happen. And then he initiated all this. Made me want it, just to leave me back where I started. No, we didn't have sex or anything, but it made me want a relationship again. It makes me so sad that this can happen again and again.

Validation

2008-10-17T12:11:00.002-04:00

So after yesterday's post about how I apparently suck at what I do (according to one mom), I was quite pleased when I got a positive review from someone else. I was told by a mother, whose daughter I had done an evaluation on a couple months ago, that the school raved about my report that I had written. It was the best they had ever received! Feeling a little better about things now. It just goes to show not to take anyone's opinion too highly.

Venting

2008-10-16T14:51:00.002-04:00

I need to vent for a minute about work. Not really work so much, but some of the people I have to work with. Not as in the other employees, but rather the patients I have to see.

Part of my job is running an obesity program for kids/teenagers. It consists of 5 weeks of information sessions (what things we will be focusing on and how we will be making changes) and then 6 months of weekly follow-ups that involve weighing in and creating goals and making changes for the next week. It's really a labor of love, because I try to get the kids excited and make being healthier something they want to do. It's not easy to get children and teenagers to eat healthy and be active, when they would rather eat junk food and play video games. Plus, because we feel the program is extremely important for the kids who qualify, we often waive all payment if they cannot afford it. We want to make sure they live, after all. And there's only so much I can do. I cannot come over to their houses and cook for them, for instance. All I can do is give them the information and try to work with them to change their behaviors. Yes, sometimes the information should be common knowledge, but obviously there's a problem if the family is in the program.

So I got really frustrated when I received a letter from a mother whose teenage daughter had been in the program, but decided to drop out. She decided to give us some "feedback" to the program, saying that I was boring and couldn't engage her daughter. That I was telling them things they already knew. That I was talking at her and expecting her to make changes without any help. And they only came to 2 sessions! I distinctly remember that the teenager was one who was not motivated and didn't want to be in the program in the first place. I would ask her questions and try to engage her and would get 1 or 2 word answers. I would appreciate feedback if it came from someone who had been through the whole program, but when you don't even give the program a chance to work, then don't complain about the content. Am I wrong?

Let's just say, it didn't put me in the best frame of mind to see the three patients I have lined up today for the program.

2008-10-13T13:44:00.002-04:00

I apologize for taking a week-long break from the blog. I'm sure you'll all understand...

As we all knew was inevitable, my grandfather passed away from esophageal cancer. He died the same morning that I wrote my last post. His last words were apparently something about going to a "big party." This thought makes me content. As I've said before, it was harder on the family than him. He was ready, knowing he had lived a good life. And he really had. He was so actively involved in so many things, even continuing his ballroom dancing up until very recently. Even though he didn't want any funeral or anything (quite honestly, he didn't really even want us visiting him too much while he was sick, because he wanted us to remember him the way he was, not the way he was when he was sick), we had a memorial service (calling hours) for him last Thursday, which would have been his 92nd birthday. We all then went out for ice cream, since he had said that's what he wanted for his birthday. It was a nice way to honor him.

After reading his obituary, and learning more about how active he was in different community organizations, it made me really want to get the most out of life. I know I've written before about creating a list of things I want to do before I die, and wanting more out of life. But it made me realize that I need to put more of an effort on these things if I want them to happen.

He was a wonderful grandfather, man, and human being. I will miss him every day.

3* reasons I'm in a crappy mood today

2008-10-03T10:39:00.006-04:00

-My grandpa is not doing well. He can barely drink half a can of ensure at a time before choking. He can't really talk. He has trouble breathing sometimes. He probably won't make it through the weekend. But he's hanging on for now... he was hoping to make it to his birthday, which is next Thursday. Who know's if he will. He's had a good life and is at peace with dying. It's harder on the rest of us than it is on him.

-I checked my email last night to find a notice from Facebook saying that The Reason had added me as a friend. This sent me into a tailspin. I haven't spoken to him in over a year and haven't seen him in almost a year and a half. Why would he add me as a friend? He's moved on, has a new (long-term) girlfriend. Granted, I'm friends with him on myspace, but that's cuz he started his myspace page when he and I were dating. And yes, I'm friends with one of his friends on facebook, cuz he added me as a friend back when the Reason and I were still talking. And I know he just joined facebook and just went through his email contacts to see who was on there, but he didn't have to add me. It would be different if he and I actually had remained friends after the break-up, like I have with many of my other exes. But I left that door open to him, and he chose to close it. Now, I can confirm or deny his friend request. I think I should deny it, although I think that makes me look bitter and bitchy. But I will probably end up confirming it, cuz I apparently like self-torture.

-I had a dream about the young ex last night. A really good dream. Let me back up and say that he has been texting me for about a month, a couple times a week or so, wanting to get together. Which always leads to the bedroom. So, given my new rule, I've given him excuses every time. (I haven't told him about the rule in case I change my mind and decide I want birthday sex after all, he'd be the most likely candidate since I wouldn't do it with anyone new). But hearing from him so often is probably why I dreamt of him last night. And like I said, it was a really good dream. I mean, yes, in the dream we had sex. But it went beyond that, to us being together again and him treating me wonderfully, and just generally feeling safe and protected and taken care of. In other words, the kind of relationship I want. Not necessarily with him, just in general. I just remember being so happy in my dream. And then I woke up to reality.

*Okay I have a fourth:

-I tried publishing this post about 10 times, each time getting a message saying that the page could not be displayed, even though my internet connection is "excellent". So I have to wait now and try again later. I sometimes hate technology.

?

2008-09-30T13:28:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been... well, I don't know. And that's the problem. Things in my life are going well... I've stopped focusing on men and trying to find a decent one to date (mostly because I'm pretty sure they only exist in fairy tales, but that is completely besides the point), work has kept me fairly busy, I've been spending time with friends and family, and also spending some good quality me-time with, well myself, and I've been exercising more.

And yet, I feel like there's something missing. To the point that I feel almost anxious about things. There is absolutely nothing for me to be anxious about right now (well, almost nothing... there's still the whole thing with my grandpa, but there isn't anything I can physically do about that), and yet I sorta do. Or maybe I'm just feeling restless. I can't tell. There's just this uneasiness.

I almost wish there was something going on that I could pinpoint as being the source of this restless feeling. This feeling that something's missing. That I want more. If I could figure out what it was that I was really feeling, I could do something about it. Not knowing the reasons behind the feelings make it a hell of a lot harder to make a change for the better. I guess all I can do right now is hope that these feelings resolve. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Stupid cable company

2008-09-29T15:13:00.002-04:00

I hate change. I will go into any change kicking and screaming. I like things to stay nice and even, and if they must change, gradual change is preferred. Or if it's something that is going to change, I like to know about it well ahead of time so I can mentally prepare myself for the newness of what's to come. I'm also really bad about making decisions. I will make list after list, trying to look at the decision from all sides. I will debate for weeks, going back and forth, until finally I absolutely HAVE to make a decision. I know these things about myself, and accept them graciously as part of my personality. More importantly, my family and friends know these things about me and somehow still love me.

So imagine my stress when I found out that my cable company may no longer show the CW. WHAT?! No more Gossip Girl? No More 90210? No more America's Next Top Model? I was informed of this by the CW (on a commercial) about a month ago, saying that effective October 2, Time Warner may not renew their contract. This stressed me out. What is a girl who doesn't like change or making decision going to do? I wrote Time Warner an email, asking them to reconsider and got a response to the effect of "usually these things work themselves out." That? Did not make me feel any better. So finally today, after weeks of debating, I decided to switch cable, internet, and phone providers. AT&T was already almost 2 weeks out in new installations, so I was concerned that if I waited until the 2nd, then I'd miss two weeks of shows, whereas if I did it now, I'd probably only miss one. Plus, I'm getting this new U-verse thing from AT&T, which is going to give me more channels, faster internet, and the ability to record 4 shows at once (as well as the CW) for slightly less than I was already paying. The decision seems pretty clear-cut when I put it that way, but man did I get agitated about it. The constant questions: What if I don't like the new service? What if it's more of a pain to get someone out to install something new? What if Time Warner does renew the contract and lowers my rates? What if... you get the picture.

I try to be better about not stressing out about small things like this, but it's hard.

Outraged and celibate

2008-09-24T15:27:00.003-04:00

I am seriously outraged by men currently. Okay, hold up. Maybe not seriously, since I've had a few days, about a week, to let this sink in. And really I'm outraged in behalf of a friend. No man has done anything to me recently. Mostly because I've taken a new vow of celibacy. Not really, but I'll get into that more in a minute.

I won't get into a lot of details, because it's her life and not mine, but I will give a brife explanation. My friend had been dating her boyfriend for several months. The past few months, he'd been a little more distant, and she thought it was just the whole thought process of, "Well now that she's mine, I don't have to try and impress her as much." (Which by the way, fellas? Not true!) Anyway, last week, she talks to her man early in the evening, he says he's at a store with his mom and he'll call her back, hanging up after telling her he loved her. A few hours later, she hasn't heard from him, so she calls him back. A girl answers the phone. My friend calls me and we meet up at a bar she knows her boyfriend goes to a lot. He's there with some girls. My friend confronts him, he denies anything is going on. Then, when we've turned away, he hides from us. While he's hiding, one of the girls comes up to us and says that he has been sleeping with her friend for 4 months. 4 MONTHS???!!!

What I don't get is why he would do this. If he started seeing another girl, then why not just break up with my friend? How can he still go on family vacations with her, spend time over at her house, go golfing with her stepfather, etc.? How can he still tell her every day that he loves her? Especially since she had asked him about a week before if he wanted to break up, since he was acting funny. And he said no. That he loved her and there was no one else. If he really loved her, how could he do that to her? Knowing that neither she nor I had a high respect for men when they started dating, and he heard us bitch about the stupid assholes all the time. How could he turn around and do something that awful? And the thing is that he probably would have kept it going if she hadn't caught him. F'ing ridiculous. I mean, I've had some guys do some seriously shitty things, but I think this takes the cake. Yeah, its similar to what the young ex did to me, but I had only known him a month. Not in a relationship with him for several months. Seriously, why are guys such assholes.

Which leads me to my (fake) celibacy. I decided a while ago that if nothing came from the whole Boston thing (btw, never heard from him again. oh well) that I was not sleeping with anyone for 6 months. I know that probably seems like nothing to some people, and I'm not a whore sleeping with everyone in sight or anything, but I enjoy sex. And I've been known to occasionally still sleep with my young ex from time to time as a release. But I mean it. Nothing until at least March. No birthday sex, no New Years sex, no Valentines day sex. No Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas sex (yeah, this is how I think. lol) I'm hoping this at least makes me forget about men, concentrate on other things. Everyone says it'll happen when you stop looking. Well, I've stopped. And after what happened to my friend, I'm not sure I'll ever start looking again.

I refuse to become MIA

2008-09-22T16:22:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't written in a while, which I'm sincerely sorry about. We are changing our charting to all electronic at work, which has meant having to go to training sessions, watch online tutorials, and learn about the new computer system. That? Has not saved a lot of time for blogging. Not that I've had too much going on to blog about, which is probably the better reason that I haven't written in a while.

I'm also in charge of a new program at work. Since we are a health care provider, we feel that it is our duty to try and maintain a healthy image for our patients. We were told by the powers that be that we feel this way. I think most of us do, but don't necessarily do anything about it. So we all had our blood drawn to check for risk factors (high cholesterol, insulin, etc.), and were given pedometers to encourage us to be more active. Then I was told, "Why don't you create a walking challenge for us here at the office?" Why me, you may ask yourselves. Go ahead, I'll wait while you ask yourself...

Because I'm already in charge of an obesity program aimed at teaching kids healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm apparently the clear choice. So we're doing a Walk Across the United States challenge. Teams of four will combine their daily number of steps and try to make it to each of 10 cities. There will be small prizes for reaching the different cities, and a larger prize for being the first team to make it all the way across the country. There are also Game Changer cards (I know it's a stupid name, but it was the best I could do on short notice) that can effect the outcome, adding or subtracting steps for that day. We're also marking our progress on a map of the US.

So I spend all this time creating the game (which, btw, I don't even get to participate in) and what do I get? Complaints and whining. "When are we gonna find out our teams?" "I want you to draw for teams now." "We can't have all the doctors on the same team!" "Why did you redraw? I liked my old team better." "I don't want to be on a team with that person!" "Can we make trades, like in a draft?" "That's not fair!"

Seriously? And let me point out that I'm one of the youngest people in the office, so it isn't like these are a bunch of kids. The biggest complainers were all in their 40's or 50's. I've since added a penalty for complaining, whining, or bad attitudes.

I went to Office Max today to buy supplies for the game, specifically a cork board to put the map on as well as some push pins and a notebook to keep track of steps. And it was there that I made a sad realization. I haven't gone shopping in so long that random things at Office Max were looking like fun things to buy, just for the hell of it. Flowery folder, retractable colored pencils, post-its. Nothing that I have any need for at the moment. I'm clearly gonna have to go shopping for something fun ASAP.

Oh, and I've decided that since I couldn't participate on a team, I'm going to be walking across the US by myself. It may take me 3000 years to do it (I exaggerate), but I'll do it.

Brief Hurricane Thoughts (no, not my football team)

2008-09-15T15:43:00.003-04:00

I moved back to C-bus from Miami a couple years ago for numerous reasons. One of which was because I had had enough of the whole hurricane thing. So imagine my displeasure yesterday when here in Ohio we had hurricane force winds, remnants of Ike I'm told. I also currently am without power... possibly for up to a week. This doesn't seem fair.

My thoughts go out to those in Texas currently who had it even worse than I've got it here.

I alos apologize for not writing recently. Things are crazy at work at the moment... which I'll explain later.

Stay safe!

Britney and her mother

2008-09-05T12:19:00.002-04:00

Britney Spears is an endless source of amazement and amusement, IMHO. It's sometimes like watching a train wreck. I'm not gonna lie, I still sometimes enjoy boogeying down to her music... she's got some funky beats. But at the same time, I'm so glad my life is not hers. The crazy, head-shaving days just shows how much of a downward spiral her life has been since her days as a mousketeer.

And then I read this, and can't help but think that maybe it all could have been prevented. I know being a parent is hard (or at least I assume it is since that's what everyone who is a parent says. not being one myself, I guess I don't really know firsthand). But I don't get how you can know these things about your daughter and let her continue down that path. Drinking at 13, sex at 14, drugs at 15? I'm sure a lot of other youths do these same things at these ages. And that's bad enough. But they aren't part of the crazy entertainment world. Imagine how much worse that would be. Trying to make sure you are talented/thin/pretty enough to last in the entertainment business would be so hard. Especially as an adolescent.

When should Lynne have stepped in? If I had a daughter in the industry as a teenager and found out about these things going on, I would hope to think that I would step in a help her first. Do you think that if Lynne had taken control back when Britney started drinking, having sex, and doing drugs, things for her would be different now?

A Tale of Two Dates

2008-09-03T14:13:00.004-04:00

I finally met up with Boston again. It had only been about a month since we had seen each other, but we talked/texted usually a couple times a week. Anyway, during and immediately after the date I saw it in one way, and then a few days post-date (which makes me wonder if it was really a "date") I have different thoughts. So here for your reading pleasure is the Tale of Two Dates

My First Reaction

I called him Thursday to see if he wanted to go catch the opening night of college football along with some of the pre-season NFL games that night. He called me back saying he was kinda tired, but he was up for grabbing a drink or two. We decide where to go and since it's near his house, I pick him up along the way. We get there, order a couple of the dollar draft specials, and I take out my card to pay since I'm the one who invited him out. He pulls out some cash and tells me he'll get them since I drove to his neighborhood (which only took 10 minutes, but that was nice of him). Conversation is pretty good, a little awkward at times maybe, a few longer breaks in conversation, but again we were watching football. He gets a call from one of his friends and invites them to come meet us out (friends that I already knew of his, so it wasn't like "Meet the Friends" or anything). Everyone has a good time, Boston pays for all my drinks, and after about 4 hours we head off. Get back to his house and we hadn't discussed me coming in, so I don't just assume I am. He takes off his seatbelt and reaches for the door, kinda pauses when he realizes I haven't turned the car off, and looks back at me with this, "Aren't you coming in?" kinda look and asks me that same question as I ask, "Did you want me to come in?" He immediately says "Yeah, well... I mean, unless you're too tired or need to get home or something..." So we go in and... yada yada yada... next morning we get up, he has to get ready for work, I need to get home. We have an awkward-ish hug and wish each other a good day and I say I'll talk to him soon, and he says "Okay."

After a few days

I texted him Saturday night, just a simple "Enjoy the game today?" and heard nothing from him. Still haven't. I understand texts can get lost sometimes, or maybe he was busy, or didn't get it until much later, but it's the first time I've gotten no response from him. And it was the first time I tried getting a hold of him after our date, so of course it makes me re-analyze everything from that night... maybe he only went out with me that night cuz he figured since he'd been talking/texting with me ever since the last time we saw each other he couldn't all of a sudden just stop without seeing me again cuz it would be weird. Maybe he only meant he was gonna buy my first drink and was annoyed that he paid for all of them and I didn't even offer except for the first one. Maybe he invited his friends to come out cuz he was having an awful time with just me and wanted other people there to have a better time. Maybe he invited me in afterwards cuz he figured he should get something out of having to spend the whole evening with me. Maybe he didn't want me to spend the night and was annoyed that I did. Maybe he's planning on never talking to me again so that he doesn't have to go through with any of it again.

And that, my friends, is the brain I have to live with every day. The over-analyzing. The assuming the worst. What does everyone think? Do you see anything I did that was terribly wrong? Is he just not into me? I figure I'll call him either tonight or tomorrow, maybe suggest trying to get together again soon, and see what happens.

Bringin' it back to middle school

2008-09-02T15:23:00.004-04:00

How much fun is it when you are checking your email to find that you've got a friend request sent to you from myspace? And how much more fun is it when you realize that it's from a boy you had a serious crush on in middle school before he changed schools? And how much even more fun is it when he sends you a message saying you guys should get together sometime? It apparently has made my brain revert back to being a 13-year old girl... giddy, and giggly, and nervous, and hoping he'll actually call.

Now, will he call? Who knows. And probably if he doesn't I'll forget all about it in a few days, or at least within a couple weeks (my brain sometimes remembers those types of things too much, regardless of whether I want it to or not). Plus, I literally haven't seen him or talked to him since 8th grade, so who knows if it's really anything to get excited about.

Funny thing is... a few days ago, this same guy popped into my head for no apparent reason. I wondered what he was up to and if there was some way to find him. The reason he looked me up on myspace? Cuz I popped into his head yesterday. As he said, interesting how timing works...

A brief politics discussion

2008-08-29T11:37:00.002-04:00

I don't talk about politics to anyone. Ever. I don't think it's anyone's business who I'm voting for, or even whether I'm voting at all...

(Okay, fine, just so I don't get a bunch of comments telling me how important it is that I vote, I will at least say that I do plan on voting in this upcoming election. There. Happy?)

Anyway, I don't even talk to my parents about politics. I think that generally any discussion about politics can lead to heated debates, and I'm just not that interested in arguing with someone knowing that neither person will change their opinion. So I don't discuss it. That being said...

I think McCain's rumored (or maybe it's not a rumor anymore and it's actual fact) running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is an interesting choice. Now, understand that I'm saying that not knowing anything about her or her views. Literally it was just the fact that the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was, "I wonder if he's choosing her in hopes that former Hilary supporters will just be happy having a woman in the White House as vice president and that will lead him to get more votes." Thoughts about that? Did anyone else think the same thing?

Okay, that's more politics than I usually discuss in about 4 years time, so I'm done.

(And for the record, just because I don't discuss politics does not mean I'm not informed!)

Aww, shucks

2008-08-28T12:17:00.003-04:00

I want to thank my wonderful friends (both those I know personally and those I don't) for the kind words of support. It means a lot to me. And now, back to business...

The wonderful rialeilani gave me an award! It was exactly what I needed to make me smile on a day that was otherwise grey and raining.

I'm going to pass it along to chickbug, because she and her chicks are awesome. I'll post more later.

A little perspective

2008-08-26T14:30:00.003-04:00

I was all set to update everyone on the dating life, the lack of Boston meetings despite both our best efforts this past weekend. (Okay, maybe not our best efforts. I'd like to think our best efforts would actually end with us meeting up.) And I will get to this, in another post. I promise. But then, life got in the way.

My maternal grandfather was just diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Apparently, there is not generally a good prognosis with this type of cancer, as it usually is not detected until it's in a late stage. He's going to the oncologist sometime this week and we should know more after that.

He's 92 years old, so most likely they won't do too much in the way of treatment. Maybe some radiation. He's actually handling this extremely well. Of course this is coming from a man who planned out his life budget so that he'd be broke he turned 100, because he saw no reason to live past that age. So he's always been okay with death.

Unfortunately, I think the rest of us will have a harder time. My father's parents both passed away when I was in high school, so it's not like we haven't had to deal with it in the past, but it's never easy. I don't want him to die.

I will say that something like this does always put things in perspective. My dating life is not a matter of life or death. Finding a man is not a matter of life or death. Cancer is.

Bored and lonely

2008-08-21T14:42:00.003-04:00

I debating about writing about this cuz I don't want to sound crazy, but I figured what the hell. I probably already sound cray to most anyone who reads this anyway.

So, I had a moment last night. It really felt like my heart hurt so badly. The sorrow kinda hurt, not the actual pain hurt. Nothing in particular happened. I think lately I've been feeling a little more lonely and it got the best of me for some reason. Or maybe I'm just bored. Sometimes I think bored and lonely can go hand in hand. I mean, when I'm doing something by myself at home and enjoying it, then I don't care if I'm alone. But when I'm not really doing anything and alone, then I think too much. And my thoughts get the best of me.

Don't get me wrong. I love living alone. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone. Not having to clean up after myself right away. Not having to sacrifice what I want to watch on TV. But sometimes its nice to have someone else there. I can literally go for more than a day (on the weekends) without talking to anyone. Most evenings that I'm home, I don't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I do things. But lately the nights I'm not doing anything, the loneliness is palpable.

I'm trying to come up with things to do. Ways to keep myself busy. I figure if I can fix the boredom, then maybe the loneliness will follow suit.

The definition of rambling

2008-08-18T14:48:00.005-04:00

I don't have much to say today, which is bad news for everyone, since it means I will probably end up spitting out a lot of nonsense that is only semi-related to each other. And it will probably go on way longer than it needs to. Let's see, what should I start with...

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. And I mean that in the good way. I mean, he's not the cutest, but his swimming ability is insane and he looks phenomenol half naked. I enjoyed watching every single one of his races. The sad thing is that the things I look forward to most in the Summer Olympics are just about over. The swimming, gymnastics, and diving are really the ones I like the most. Track and field somewhat, but not as much as the other things I mentioned. so back in 1996, when the Olympics were in Atlanta, my family went to some of the events (which? Was awesome). Regardless, I was super bummed that we hadn't managed to get any tickets to see the gymnastics. So there we are, wandering around in between events when my parents start talking to another family. No, we didn't know them. No, we'd never seen them before. No, we had no reason to expect they were a nice, normal family (except maybe the fact that they had some kids too). Somehow they mention they have an extra ticket to the gymnastics, and the next thing I knew I'm off watching gymnastics by myself with some strange family. My parents actually let me go with complete strangers! And this was before cell phones. Granted I was 16 at the time, but still! Luckily, the family was just a very nice family and not a bunch of serial killers stalking teenage girls. But seriously, you know this wouldn't happen in this day and age. How times have changed...

Football starts soon. I'm way excited. Possibly for no other reason then it gives me something to do on Saturdays (and Sundays, but I'm much more into college football than NFL). I mean, I could seriously sit on my couch all day Saturday watching one football game after another. On into the night. By myself or with others, drinking or sober. Doesn't really matter. Which is good because right now Saturday night is the only time I feel a little lonely. I can be home with my dog doing nothing any night of the week, but on Saturday nights I feel alone and like a loser if I'm not out doing something. That was the case this past weekend. And granted, sometimes it's nice to have a Saturday night to myself. But only if I choose it. I was supposed to go out with S Saturday night, but something came up with her and by that time it was too late to try and make plans with someone else. Maybe that's why it was lonlier. Expecting to be going out and then not at the last minute can be a bit disheartening I guess. Anyway, this is why I'm looking forward to football season.

Boston continues to be the definition of mixed signals. Again, he always answers my texts or phone calls, or at the very least calls me back. And does so usually the same day. Yet we still haven't gotten together again, and its been over two weeks since we've hung out. Thursday night I called him. He was out at a bar with his softball team, and yet answered the phone. We chatted a couple minutes and he said he'd call me back when he left there. Which he did. He was at a friend's house and said, "I'd say you should come over here, but it's kinda late..." I then mentioned that I didn't have to work the next day, but he didn't take the bait and actually invite me over. And I wasn't gonna be all "Well I can come over, it's not that late." Then I texted him Friday night after my softball game telling him good luck at volleyball (the two of us are quite sporty, aren't we?!) and to call me later if he ended up doing anything. Well he texts me around 11:30 saying he was just hanging out at home watching the Olympics. By that time I was playing poker with my softball team so after texting back and forth for a bit I asked him if he wanted me to call him the next day if I did anything, and didn't get a response. So who knows what he's thinking. I would think if he wasn't interested he wouldn't still be answering my texts and phone calls. Of course I would think that if he was interested he would make more of an effort to want to see me again. Anytime we talk we always make vague references to getting together, but it just never works out. All I know is that I'm about to just give up. Although I have no other prospects and it's not like it's hurting anything to stay in contact. I don't know...

I went to a couple farmer's markets on Saturday with my mom. I loved it and think I should start making a habit of going more often. The produce is all locally grown and so inexpensive! It also made me want to have a vegetable garden. I do have a couple tomato plants this year, which is great, but I'd like more things. Luckily for me, my mom does have a vegetable garden so I get a lot of things from her.

Okay I guess I've done enough rambling for today. I wish I had more of a focus on something to talk about. I still feel like I'm in a funk, but now kinda with everything rather than just dating. I want to mix things up. Just gotta figure out how.

Dreams and Boston

2008-08-12T11:51:00.003-04:00

I had this dream last night about The Reason. I woke up this morning extremely grumpy. I don't think this is a coincidence. In the dream he was living with his new girlfriend and things for them were all hunky-dory (where did that term originate anyway? I may have to do some investigative research). It was bad enough that they were happy and in love while I was still single and bitter, but they also were living next to my brother who had become friends with them! And so when I thought I was going to spend time with him, there they were. It was like I couldn't get away from them.

So why did I wake up grumpy about this dream? Cuz I just don't want to think about him anymore. I know that every relationship teaches you something about yourself and what you really want out of life, but I just don't want to keep remembering him. I'm over him. I've moved on. I don't want him back. But at the same time, I don't want to think about him. Ever. Maybe this means that I'm not as over him as I think I am? I don't think so. I think there are still aspects about the break-up that hurt. Like how quickly he moved on and how it obviously wasn't just a rebound since he's still with her a year later. Like him just disappearing out of my life so quickly without even a glance back. Like the fact that he wanted to be single and I wanted a relationship, and yet here we are... him in a relationship and me single. But honestly? Day in and day out, I generally don't think about him. I'm too busy trying to figure out the other men in my life. I move through my day just fine without thought of him. So I wish my unconscious state would just do the same.

Speaking of those other men in my life? Boston. Here's my problem... I don't know how to date a shy guy, and Boston seems kinda shy. I've always dated either the center of attention, life of the party types, or the bad boy, "I don't give a fuck what you think about me" types. Because really, I like being the one who's quieter, the one who's pursued, in the relationship. And yet, every time I talk to Boston, it's because I've called or texted him. I can't tell if he likes me or wishes I would just leave him alone but is too polite to say that to me. We haven't seen each other in about a week and a half and have no current plans to get together either. But whenever I text him, he responds. Or if I call him, he either answers or calls back. When I talked to him last Saturday, he said he was planning on just staying in that night but that if he went out he'd call me so we could meet up.

I guess I'm at this place with him where I don't know what to do. There's part of me that says, "If he was into you, he would take the time to initiate a phone call or make plans with you. And since he hasn't, then just move on." But there's this other part of me that says, "He's a good guy, he's just shy. You don't want to miss out a good guy just because he isn't the one who calls you. He does always respond to you, so it isn't like he's ignoring you." But I don't know if that just sounds like me making excuses for him. And honestly I don't know if I really feel like it's a big deal that I'm always the one to initiate the phone calls or if it's just something I'm not used to. I guess for the time being I'll probably continue to call (okay that makes me sound like a stalker or something... I think I really only call him like once a week, maybe twice if we've talked and made potential plans for later in the week. I don't call every day or anything!) and then maybe next time we hang out bring it up somehow. Thoughts? Suggestions? Words of wisdom?

A little more light-hearted

2008-08-07T12:00:00.003-04:00

First, I want to say I'm sorry I was being a Negative Nancy yesterday. Like I said, I'm in a funk. But I'm working on improving that. I think I'm going to just let go of it all and any time I find myself getting all stressed out about some stupid boy, I'm going to take a deep breath and remind myself that if he wants me in his life, he will find a way to put me there. And if not, it's his loss.

(Easier said than done, but we'll see).

Today I have a confession. Of epic proportions. (Okay, maybe not, but it intrigued you all a little bit more having said that, didn't it?) I have a crush on... Chris Brown.

(You know, the singer).

This is an entirely inappropriate crush, given that he is what? 17 years old or something? I just can't help it. Anytime I hear his voice on my radio, I swoon a little. His newest song "Forever" is currently gracing my myspace page. I think it's cuz he tends to sing songs that I would like for some stupid boy to sing to me... the lyrics get me every time. He's definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. What about you? Any crushes that you want to admit to?

Sigh...

2008-08-06T12:19:00.003-04:00

I'm in a dating funk. This post will probably not be too clear and/or be extremely rambling because I have a lot of thoughts about this right now that don't want to come out clearly. They all make perfect sense in my head though, so this is an attempt to try and let you into my head.

(Wow, that is a scary thought.)

I'm tired of dating. (How many times have I said that?) I'm also bad at it. (Again, how many times have I said that?) I feel like I've done a really good job getting out there and trying though. I've done the online thing, met friends of friends, met guys at bars, and gotten involved in the community (joined a young professionals group, playing on a softball team, took golf lessons, and volunteered at a local festival this past weekend). And yet, nothing. NOTHING!

Okay... maybe not nothing. There has been Bass, San Francisco, and Boston (I know he was only briefly mentioned, but he and I have hung out a couple times since then). But still, nothing long-term and lasting. And I just feel like I've done everything I can think of, and if none of that is working, then maybe I really am destined to be single forever.

Part of me wants to just stop trying. I mean, there is the school of thought that says "It'll happen when you stop looking." Problem being that I've always been a hopeless romantic, which means I like to side with the school of thought that says "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince." I think that's why I've held on so long... I don't want to give up because what if I miss out on someone because I've stopped looking. I'm torn. I just feel like I'm tired of playing the dating games. I'm tired of waiting around for a guy to call when he says he will. I'm tired of wondering if each guy I meet might be the right one for me. I'm tired of not having someone.

I want someone to appreciate all I have to offer. I want someone who wants to spend time with me. I want to find the one who just fits. I want someone to celebrate holidays with. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Some days are harder than others. Maybe I've just had more of those harder days lately. Maybe I'm just lonely.

I don't know which way to turn. It's not that I'm not happy. I generally am. I have great friends and family. I appreciate everything I have. I just feel like there's a part of me missing. There's a hole inside me. And I don't know how to fix it.

Return to Normal

2008-07-31T14:54:00.002-04:00

Sometimes things just have a way of working themselves out, which is exactly what has happened with my inner struggle I was dealing with yesterday. First, Bass and I went out last night... yeah he's still sorta around. We're really just friends, which is the way it always should have been. I just need to remember that when he's drunk and talking about having babies with me. So that kinda lifted my spirits a little cuz I wasn't just sitting around at home like I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. Second, I worked out yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I had been so hard-core before the reunion (which paid off well!), that I needed to just let myself be for a few weeks. Eat what I want, not work out if I didn't want... which is what I've done. Granted that means I gained a little of the weight back, which I don't really like, but not much and I'm going to get back in the work-out and eat right mode. Just not as hard-core as before. And then finally, I had this crazy dream last night. In this dream S. was basically mad at me for remaining friends with Bass and decided that she no longer wanted to be friends with me. In other words, it was kinda similar to how I had been feeling towards her (not that I ever wanted to not be friends with her, but like I said things had been off). In my dream I was so frustrated with her because the reason she was mad at me was so stupid and really had nothing to do with her. Which made me wake up this morning realizing that's how I had kinda been acting towards her and that it was stupid. So today, everything is back to normal. Things don't seem off, we've had funny stories to share with one another, and discussed a possible camping trip in a couple weeks. It's so nice when things work out!

Inner struggle

2008-07-30T14:13:00.002-04:00

Currently, I'm having an inner struggle with myself about my best friend S. It's hard to really explain why, since it really has nothing to do with me, and since it's her life it doesn't seem right to broadcast her business. Basically she has been having issues with her boyfriend and she did something to "make him mad" that I didn't agree with. And since then, I've felt this disconnect with her. Like I said, she didn't do anything to me, and it's not my place to tell her how she should treat her man (especially since I also didn't agree with what he did to her), but things just seem off between us now. She knows I didn't approve of what she did, and has apologized and doesn't want me to be mad at her, which I'm not. Things just seem... off. Maybe we just need a bit of a break (we work together also, so we see each other often 6 days a week). Or maybe I'm just too focused on her life since nothing is going on in mine right now. I keep thinking that things will smooth over and get back to the fun we have together, but then i see her and there's this feeling inside of me that says to me that things are still not fine. I know I should just talk to her about it, but I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. Maybe just writing about here will make me feel a little better about getting it off my chest and things will return to normal. Here's hoping...

A rose by any other name... aka "What Jennifer Means"

2008-07-29T17:03:00.002-04:00

What Jennifer Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.
You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.
Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Thanks to rialeilani for posting this! I get a kick out of these things...

Cheating

2008-07-28T11:20:00.003-04:00

First, let me say I apologize for the time away from the blogging last week. I wish I could say it was due to something fun, but alas, I was ill. Not too bad, just no energy, which apparently was due to a virus. But I'm feeling better and back.

I want to discuss cheating. When did our generation start feeling as if cheating was no big deal? Twice in the past couple weeks, I've heard two different people in two different sitations (one male and one female) say "well making out with someone else isn't cheating." I'm sorry, hold up... what?

Sure making out with someone else isn't as bad as sleeping with someone else, but it's still cheating in my mind. If I call a guy my boyfriend, and he calls me his girlfriend, then making out with anyone else would be cheating! Now, if we're just casually dating, haven't discussed making it official, haven't gotten serious, then fine. Make out with whoever, whenever. (Clearly from my previous blogs, you'd know that's how I feel since it seems like I'm making out with someone new every weekend).

I'm not even saying that making out with someone else is something I wouldn't be able to forgive. But that would depend on the situation, the circumstances, etc. And if I chose to forgive, I would forgive it once and only once. But just because I'd be willing to think about forgiving doesn't mean it isn't cheating.

Am I the only one who is still naive enough to think that once I'm in a relationship with a guy he won't be making out with anyone else? Or should I start thinking like more of our generation and assume that my man might be making out with other girls? And if even women feel this way... man I feel hopeless to ever find a guy who doesn't.

Happiness

2008-07-15T16:56:00.002-04:00

I'm going to take a break from blogging about sex, boys, and my crazy dating life. For now. I promise I will pick that back up again soon. After all, me not blogging about those things is like the Pope not being Catholic. Doesn't happen.

Anywho... I was reading Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult ( I think that's how her name is spelled. I don't have the book in front of me to confirm, nor do I feel like taking the time to internet it) and, besides the fact that I thought it was a good book, I really enjoyed a part where there is an equation for happiness. I don't think this will give away anything for anyone who hasn't read the book, but if you haven't, and don't want to know anything about it, STOP READING HERE.

The equation is: happiness = reality/expectations. This really hit home with me. I really like this idea. So we become happier the more closely related our reality is with our expectations. This made me think about things so much more clearly. When I started this blog, it was very clear that I was not satisfied. I kept saying, "I'm happy, I really am." But maybe I wasn't as happy as I could have been. My reality was so far from what my expectations were.

I had a class in college that made us map out the major milestones in our lives and predict when future milestones would happen. Based on that plan, at this point in my life I would have my Ph.D. in psychology, be married, with one kid, and (if I remember correctly) pregnant with twins. (I know, who predicts having twins, but me? But really, I still really would like a boy, twin girls and then another boy.) Um, clearly, my reality does not at all meet my expectations. I have my master's in psychology, true. But not married, no kids, and certainly not pregnant with twins. While I don't still hold this plan as what I expect from my life, marriage and children are both things I expect to happen at some point. And I don't think I will ever be as happy as I potentially could be if those expectations never become reality.

I think in the meantime I just have to change my expectations of things. Plan things differently, or at least come up with alternate plans that would at least bring my reality and expectations closer together so that I'm as happy as I can possibly be. Does anyone else think there's anything to this equation, or am I just molding it to make it fit to what I want?

Um... what?

2008-07-15T14:59:00.002-04:00

I went out with Bass last night. First time in almost 2 weeks. I get the idea that we're basically going to be friends. This is absolutely fine with me. He's a bit random and scattered for me, plus I'm not sure he really knows what he wants out of life. So I basically had told him that I'd like to still hang out if he wanted, but I wasn't going to wait around for him to make up his mind, nor was I going to force him to hang out with me if he didn't want to so the ball was in his court. These are the highlights of the night:

-We got a little drunk and he said he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, and so was it cool if we were just friends. Yes, Bass. That's fine.

-A cute guy comes in with some friends and he starts talking to me (we'll call him Boston). So no big deal, right? Bass wants to just be friends.

-Bass gets pissed that I'm talking to another guy when I had come there to hang out with him. Hi... we're friends! If I was out with S or J, they would be all for me talking to Boston. I guess Bass and I aren't that kind of friends.

-I kinda go back and forth between the two, ensuring Boston that Bass and I are just friends and he isn't stepping on anyone's toes. Bass eventually leaves and tells me to call him when I'm done at the bar. I kissed Boston a little, gave him my number. Bar closed and I went on my way.

-Called Bass, who wanted me to come over so we could talk. I do so, telling him I'm not staying long. He tells me we should get married. I point out that he would just cheat on me, to which he says "Oh yeah, all the time." He's nothing if not honest.

-He starts being all flirty with me and wants to make out. I tell him that it isn't what he wants. He insists that he does. I insist he only wants it for that night. He insists this isn't the case. I finally give in and we hook up (this has happened before, just not lately or all that often).

-He tells me that he should "accidentally" get me pregnant so I have to be in his life forever. I remind him I'm on birth control. He tells me I should stop taking it so he could knock me up. I politely decline that offer. I leave soon after. Who knows if I'll hear from him again. I wouldn't mind if I didn't.

So for those of you keeping track... Bass doesn't want to date me, doesn't want me to date anyone else, wants to marry me so he can cheat on me all the time, and have babies with me.

Sadly, this is the second guy in the past year who has suggested that we just have babies together but not want to date me.

Where do I find these guys, and how can I stop?

An Open Letter to Boys (because really, there are no Men)

2008-07-14T14:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Boys-

As a single woman, I often have to put up with your shit. I am writing today to ask that you please try to keep that shit to a minimum. I realize that women, in general, overanalyze more than men do. Have certain expectations out of life, different than those of males. But sometimes I think that you often forget how to respectfully treat women. Treat others how you want to be treated. Apparently you guys want me to act interested and then ignore you, to screw with your head.

If we had a good night together, making out but not having sex, and sex was all you wanted, then there's no reason for you to pretend it was something more. I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth. If you don't want to see me again, leave it at "Well maybe I'll run into you sometime." Then there's no expectations of getting together again. Don't give me your number and insist that I call you if you have no plans to answer or call me back. Giving me your number just indicates to me that you had a good time too and want it to happen again. If you don't, then don't give me false hope!

I'm upfront and honest. I will tell you how I'm feeling, even if I think it makes me look bad or isn't what you want to hear. I expect the same from you. Don't play mind games. Don't exchange numbers with me if you have no intention of using it. Just don't bother. Then I won't waste a single minute of my life wondering if you're ever gonna call. I won't take your number, or give you mine if I don't like you. If I don't want to see you again or get to know you better, then I won't waste your time. Please don't waste mine.

Sincerely-
Jenn

Sidenote: I decided to go with reality. Judging by this post, I'm guessing you can figure out how that went for me.

Reality vs. Fantasy

2008-07-10T11:53:00.002-04:00

Okay, so remember the guy I'm not gonna get into detail about, cuz I actually feel nervous butterflies about him and stupid shit like that. Yeah, well I'm still not gonna talk about him in particular. Let's just say I'm gonna talk about fantasy...

As I said before, I texted him and never heard back from him. My friends are full of all sorts of excuses for him and whatnot (e.g. "maybe he doesn't get text messages", "maybe he never got your text", "maybe he texted you back and you didn't get his", etc.) and they always end by saying, "JUST CALL HIM!" And I always tell them, "I will, I will... I just don't know when." And here's why:

Until I call him, I can live in this little fantasty world. Believe that when I call him, we'll make plans to go out, end up dating, falling in love, and getting married. We'll live in the town I grew up in, be friends with all the right people, and have cute little babies who will grow up popular so that I'd never have to worry about them being picked on. (Part of this fantasy really only makes sense if you knew details about the situation, but just roll with it). It's quite a nice life in my fantasy world.

But once I call him, that's it. No more fantasy world. Because if he does answer and we make plans to get together, then it's not a fantasy (obviously the option I would choose), but if he doesn't answer and never calls me back? Well, then obviously I can't fantasize about it working out. And right now, it's a lot easier to live in a fantasy world where everything works out than live in reality where it's up in the air whether it will work out or not. Can you fault me for that? I think not.

Bitchin about dating

2008-07-08T11:37:00.002-04:00

This one will be full of complaints. You've been sufficiently warned.

I'm tired of dating. Yes, yes I know I've said this repeatedly, especially recently. Let's just say, though, that I'm tired of guys acting one way when you're together and then never hearing from them.

Example one: back sometime last fall I met a guy out and about and we really hit it off. We had a great night together, made out a bit, he asked for my number. He called me as soon as I left his car and got into my own that night so that I'd have his as well and told me to text him when I got home that night to make sure I got there safe. Even though I called him a couple times, I never heard from him again after than first night.

Example two: M. You may remember him from previous posts, but we met through friends, started talking/flirting and hanging out practically every weekend, and then one weekend we slept together (a drunken decision that I'm not too thrilled with, but life's too short for regrets, so c'est la vie). The next morning, everything seemed fine and he mentioned something about getting together that week to go see a movie. He never called and when we saw each other out the next weekend, he ignored me and pretty much has ever since.

Example three: I'm not going to get into too many details with this one... but this past weekend there was a guy who seemed great and nice. Sweet as could be. He put his number in my phone since his was dead and told me to call him. Texted him yesterday, never heard back. Now I know, I could come up with a thousand reasons why I didn't hear back from him and tell myself that he still may call, but I guess that given my recent history with guys I'd rather be cynical and assume he was just another jerk, so I don't end up hurt.

Funny thing about Example three is that I felt butterflies with him. Was physically nervous (hand shaking so much I had many typos in my text to him that I had to keep correcting) about contacting him. Basically felt like I hadn't about any guy for a while. Yeah there's Bass, and San Francisco, who are fun to hang out with and whatnot, but I didn't feel like this with them. It was like giddy school-girl crush status, which is stupid, but which is also why I don't want to go into many details. For some reason want to keep this one more secret.

I'm tired of dating, but also don't want to end up alone, so I guess I just have to suck it up. At least I have my blog to bitch about it.

Oh what a weekend

2008-07-07T16:16:00.002-04:00

The reunion was a blast! I thoroughly enjoyed myself and definitely got my $30 worth of alcohol. And then some. I also somehow managed to not pay for a single drink on the 4th or the reunion after party. How that happened? All I can say is that I love drunk boys from my class. They get me drunk as well. It was quite possibly one of the most fun weekends I've had in a while. All the effort I put into looking good definitely was worth it. Looking forward to the 15-year now!

Reunion Crunch-Time

2008-06-26T12:47:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm down to my last 9 days before my 10 year high school reunion. If you recall about 6 weeks ago, I was focused to lose weight for the reunion. The first two weeks went well, and then I stalled out for the next month or so. This past weekend? Not so good. It wasn't that I gave up completely... I just knew that the last two weeks I was going to go back to no bad carbs and really pumping up my workouts. So I gave myself a bit of a break. I'm over it, not punishing myself for it, but was disheartened when I got on the scale on Monday. However, this week has been really good. Back down to where I was and maybe even a pound lighter. But I tell you, when the drug rep brought in pizza for the office for lunch today, it was hard to resist. I did resist, but wasn't happy about doing so. I so look forward to having this reunion over and done with so I don't have to be so good about things.

Anyway... here is the new dilemma: what to wear? Should I buy a cute dress or a cute new top (and maybe new jeans)? I'm going to go shopping sometime this weekend and, while I don't have a ton of extra money right now, I do have enough to splurge on something new and cute to wear after all my hard work to look good. I really want to be the type of girl who wear cute dresses during the summer and so I kinda want to buy a dress. But I've always been more of the jeans and cute top kinda girl. I don't love my legs (they are really muscular) and so I like to hide them when possible. But dresses are in style these days, so I don't want to look out of place. It's tough being a girl sometimes.

Lest you think I'm a whore

2008-06-20T10:28:00.003-04:00

I re-read my last post and I just wanted to clarify that I'm not sleeping with all these men or anything. Harmless making out is all. I know better than letting things go too far. And I know, many women would like to have the problem of too many men. I don't like it. I'd rather just have one steady guy who thinks I'm all he needs. And update, I think I maybe don't have this problem anymore and have ruined my chances with both Bass and San Francisco. I haven't heard from either of them since Tuesday, even though I've texted San Francisco and emailed Bass. I guess it may be back to the drawing board...

It's Not Easy Being a Bachellorette...

2008-06-18T13:31:00.002-04:00

... I don't know how DeAnna from ABC's The Bachellorette does it. She is apparently good at dating. I am not. (I know I've said this before, but bear with me.)

I went out with my friend J last night. She just broke up with her boyfriend and I'm trying desperately to distract her so she isn't tempted to give him another chance. (Sidenote: I'm all for giving someone second chances, or more sometimes, but not when they don't deserve it. This guy does not deserve it. He yells at her all the time, tells her he hates her dog, that he never wants to have kids with her, that she just brings him down... she is a wonderful person and does not need to deal with this jerk-off). In any case, Bass was supposed to come out with us and bring a friend of his. Well he decided last minute he didn't want to come out cuz he was tired. Fine. Whatever. J and I still go out, and we go to the bar that Bass and San Francisco frequent.

I NEED TO STOP GOING TO THIS BAR!

(Reasons for the above statement will become painfully clear momentarily).

So there J and I are, drinking some drinks, doing our thing, discussing reasons why the ex is a jerk. About 12:30, San Francisco comes in. I didn't know he'd be there, nor was I necessarily looking for him to be there, but there he was. He makes his rounds, saying hi to everyone he knows, and then comes and sits down with me and J. Once he sat down with us, next thing we know, we've got about 5 other guys hanging out with us too. Anyway, long story short, we all have a good time, drinking and whatnot. There's this guy there, Hockey Boy, who's cute and kinda flirty with me, but San Francisco is pretty much all about me so Hockey Boy doesn't flirt too much. We all leave the bar, San Francisco asks me if I'm coming over to his place, and I'm not sure what to do, so I say maybe and we leave it at that. Everyone pretty much takes off except for Hockey Boy and J. J and I spend some time discussing whether I should go to San Francisco's place and she thinks I should, and then she leaves, leaving me and Hockey Boy. He and I talk a little bit, he invites me to go to this other bar for one more drink, which didn't end up happening and so we're saying goodbye, he gives me a hug, and the next thing I know, we're making out. Now do you understand why I need to stop going to this bar? I just keep ending up with new guys who all know each other. And that? Extremely stressful for a girl who sucks at dating.

Back to San Francisco... I do end up going to his place. (Yes, after having already made out with Hockey Boy... don't judge!). He and I are kinda making out a bit and the whole time I'm feeling guilty about Bass. I'm thinking about how Bass probably wouldn't be too thrilled to know I was doing this, and likewise I wouldn't really want him making out with an acquaintance of mine. Plus I have more already invested in time with Bass, so I don't want to just throw that away. Especially since San Francisco has had plenty of opportunities to hang out with me since the last time we hung out and he hasn't. It felt more like it was a convenience thing and he was just doing it for the hook-up as opposed to actually liking me and wanting to date me. I basically stopped it before things went too far (a little boob action is all) because I felt so guilty about it. And he knew. He asked me if it was cuz of Bass.

I'm kinda thinking I need to just take a break from these guys for a while. Step back, relax, take a few deep breaths. Ultimately I want a guy who wants to commit to me. I know it sounds whiny, but I want a boyfriend. I don't like doing this dating thing. I like the relationship thing way better. So maybe a break is in order to reassess the situation...

Except Hockey Boy wants me to go to the bar Friday night... maybe I'll take a break after Friday... :)

Help!

2008-06-17T13:32:00.004-04:00

I seem to have gotten myself into a pretty, pretty little pickle, and so I implore any reader out there, even if you just happened upon my blog while trying to procrastinate from doing something you really don't want to do, to give me some insight as to what to do next. Sometimes I can't see things clearly for myself, and need all the help I can get.

Okay, so if you read my blog regularly, or semi-regularly, you know about this guy Bass who I've been seeing. If you're here for the first time and desperately need background knowledge of Bass, you can read about it here, here, and here. So a couple weeks ago, Bass wasn't feeling well, and being the nice person that I am, I took him soup one night. I would do this for anyone I'm dating or friends with, so I saw no big deal in doing this. That's just how I am. After that night, I literally didn't hear from him for like 5 days, and even then it was short. I didn't actually see him again after taking him soup for two weeks. And we had been seeing each other at least once a week for like 5 or 6 weeks at this point, so I was a bit perturbed. But again, he said he wanted to take things slow, he wasn't ready for a relationship, he liked me but wanted to keep things casual for now and see how it all went. Fine.

So then finally, last Tuesday, he texts me and asks what I'm doing that night. I said I wasn't sure since I might be going out with some friends. When plans with my friends fell through I asked if he wanted me to join him for a drink while we watched the NBA game. He said sure, so I met him at the bar he was already at, where he had been drinking. Now, this is a bar he goes to regularly, where he knows pretty much everyone there. I come in, we say hi, he's kinda all over the place talking to people. I pretty much decided to let him do his things, and I'd stay put at the bar, and he could come back to me as he pleased. Well this guy, we'll call him San Francisco, came over and was talking to me. He knows Bass, knows I was there with Bass, and asks if Bass is my boyfriend. I explain that he's not but we'd been talking for a few weeks. San Francisco proceeds to sit next to me and talk to me for most of the night. Bass comes back periodically and doesn't seem to care that I'm talking to this other guy. Anyway, I give San Francisco my phone number when he asks for it and we make plans to get together the next day. I leave with Bass and go back to his house for the night.

Fast forward to Saturday. I meet up with Bass at this same bar with my friend S, and San Francisco is there also. We're all having a good time, and things seem good. I once again leave with Bass and go back to his place. Well San Francisco texts me when I'm hanging out with Bass, who claims that it must be a booty call for me. When he texts again, Bass grabs my phone to see who it is, not in a mad way but in a playful way. He sees that its San Francisco and kinda gets jealous. I explained that I was there with him, so not to worry about it. Now Bass seems a little jealous and I haven't heard from him in a couple days, even though I've texted him. He did call me Sunday, so I don't think he's too mad at me, or he wouldn't have called me then, right? I wasn't trying to hurt Bass or piss him off, so I don't know how to handle this at this point.

Here are the questions that I'm wrestling with regarding this mess: do I apologize to Bass? I don't really feel like I did anything wrong, except maybe the fact that the other guy I'm talking to is someone Bass knows. Do I explain to Bass that I like him, but I've been burned too many times in the past waiting around for a guy to decide what he wants, which is why I gave my number to someone else? Do I tell San Francisco that I can't date/talk/whatever him out of respect for Bass? (Sidenote: San Francisco and I did hang out last Wednesday. He kissed me a couple times, and I've heard from him every day except for one since then, but he hasn't made any plans to get together with me again although he says he wants to.) Do I quit overanalyzing it and just let the chips fall where they may, knowing that if Bass still likes me he'll eventually come around, and that if San Francisco likes me he'll eventually make plans with me? I like Bass. I don't know if I like him enough to be "exclusive" cuz I know he has a lot of relationship issues. But at the same time, I don't want to stop seeing him right now either. And I'm not sure if I like San Francisco cuz I haven't spent enough time with him to really know what he's all about. So I don't really want to make waves there either. So I don't know what to do at this point. So please, HELP!

And it's situations like this that make me say that I'm really, really bad at dating.

Annoyed

2008-06-02T14:45:00.003-04:00

Here are the things I'm currently annoyed about:

1.) My lack of progress, weight-wise, no matter how good I am. I mean, I've been keeping track of my calories (haven't gone over 1600 calories, and typically fall around 1150 per day), eating the right types of foods, passing up cake and pizza at the office when it was someone's birthday, and playing on my Wii Fit every day, and I'm actually up about a pound from where I was a week ago. I've been focused. I haven't had any fast food for about a month. I cook. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing.

2.) My friend E from hs. She has always been self-centered and self-involved, but lately I guess it's been bothering me more. A couple weeks ago, I was stressed out about what to do about Bass and called her to get someone else's opinion and insight. She didn't answer the phone, so I left a message explaining why I was calling and the fact that I was stressed. Tried calling her the next day, and again she didn't answer. This time I didn't leave a message, and I got a text from her a few minutes later saying she had a headache and would try to call me the next day. Since then the only thing I've heard from her was two mass texts (sent to me and all her other friends) telling us how her boyfriend was doing (he had to have surgery). Maybe I'm being selfish, but if you can't be bothered to call me back when I'm obviously upset about something, than maybe I don't care how your boyfriend is doing. I know that sounds mean, and I am glad that the surgery went well (it wasn't life-threatening or anything), but still if you don't care about what's going on in my life, why should I care about yours?

3.) The fact that it's beautiful outside and I'm stuck at work. Okay, I'm mildly annoyed about this often I guess... I mean who wouldn't rather be enjoying the nice weather? But it's worse today because I don't have any patients to see the rest of the day or all day tomorrow! So I have nothing really to do, and yet here I sit while the sun shines outside.

4.) Men. C'mon, you knew it was coming! Bass is acting a little weird. he's been sick for about a week, but when he first starting getting sick, I still heard from him. Then I took him soup last week and called him the next day. He never called back. And when I finally texted him last night, he texted back but it was short and something about it just seemed off. I shouldn't care, and I guess I don't really, cuz I don't think he's "the one" but it has been nice to have someone to hang out and hook up with on a regular basis. So I guess I'm annoyed about it ending (if it is, who knows?) cuz it means I'll go back to being more lonely.

5.) The fact that I'm jealous that both my brother's have exciting things going on in their lives. Older brother and his wife are getting to go see Ohio State play USC next year at the Collesium (he went to school at USC, and we live in Buckeye country, so this really is a pretty cool deal). Plus, he's off this week to go to Florida with a couple of his friends for a few days. And little brother got a gig down in the Dominican Republic. So he gets basically an all-expenses paid trip down there and gets paid on top of that. I'm happy for them both, I really am, but I want something exciting to happen to me also! And quite honestly, I'm more annoyed about the fact that I'm jealous than annoyed about what they get to do cuz I don't want to be a bitter sister.

I guess that's it for now. Maybe I should write a list of things I'm happy about so that I can try to see the bigger picture...

Fore!

2008-05-28T14:00:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm officially done with my golf lessons. Now this, in no way, means that I'm any good, but I feel like I can officially cross of "learn how to play golf" on my list of "Things To Do In This Lifetime". After all, I didn't say that I had to play golf well. maybe that will be on the revised version of the list. But, learn how to play golf? Check!

Of course now I want my own golf clubs. Do I like golf. I do... but it's not like I'm thinking that now maybe on a nice Saturday I'll pick up and go to the driving range. But maybe if I had nice new golf clubs, ones that went "ping" when you smacked a ball, maybe I would. Golf clubs? Not cheap! And as you recall, I'm trying to save as much money as I can so that I can travel sometime. So the questions is... do I just use my moms old clubs this summer anytime I want to play (they are from like the 70's... or maybe not, but they feel like it!), or do I splurge a little and get a set of clubs, even though that will cost me a pretty penny (probably upwards of $300)? I would ask for some for my birthday, but that isn't until November, so I'd basically be using the old ones all summer anyway if I did that. Plus I feel like I'd play a little more often if I had new clubs. For instance Bass likes golf and has suggested we go to the driving range. I'd be less embarrassed about doing that if I had pretty golf clubs. Maybe I'll head over to the golf store near my house after work and take a look to see about prices. My other problem... I know nothing about brands and which ones are good. Obviously I would want ones from a good brand!

And this just goes to show how my brain typically works. Once I think I want something, I want it right away! Maybe I should put "learn to be more patient" on my list... sigh.

Here's the thing...

2008-05-27T13:38:00.002-04:00

I'm loving my eating better attitude. I got to add "good" carbs back in, technically starting yesterday, although I didn't have too many then either since I had cheated a little bit over the weekend. Totally not my fault, btw. I was at Bass's and he was ordering food for us and since I had lost my wallet (no worries, it's been found now) I didn't feel like I had too much control over what we ordered. Plus I hadn't eaten all day (it's amazing how you can kinda forget to to that when you're, ahem, otherwise occupied). So when he suggested pasta from an excellent Italian restaurant, who was I to argue. And I didn't go overboard or anything, so I'm not beating myself up over it. But I digress...

The thing about eating healthy is that I have to cook so much more than what I have been doing. And that? Means my kitchen is always a mess. I think I've ran the diswasher like 7 or 8 times in the last couple weeks, which may not sound like a lot, but I live by myself so they're all my dishes. Before I could make it through a week only running the dishwasher once, maybe twice. So I feel like all I do these days is cook or clean my kitchen. And everytime I feel like I'm getting somewhere with it, I make something else and the kitchen is a disaster once again. It makes me feel like I need to take a week off work just to get a handle on my house. I'm not the cleanest person BY FAR, but even I'm feeling overwhelmed by the chaos that has consumed my house since the eating healthy has resumed.

But I'm down 7.2 pounds so far. Not as much as I'd like, but definitely something. So I guess I can't complain about the messiness too much. It's helping me see results at least. And cleaning burns more calories than sitting on my butt watching TV does!

High School Reunion

2008-05-21T15:46:00.002-04:00

So, my 10-year high school reunion is coming up this 4th of July weekend. I am... hmm, how do I feel about this? I'm actually pretty excited, I think. I wasn't super popular or anything in high school, I was pretty middle of the road. I was a cheerleader, but, strangely enough, I was probably quiet most of the rest of the time throughout school. I had friends who were more popular than me, and less popular than me, and that was fine with me. I've never been one to care about popularity. So I guess I'm excited not cuz I'm living in the past and want to go back to high school (NO WAY!) but moreso cuz I've grown so much and want to see how others have changed. Living in Miami for almost 8 years changed me a ton from who I was in high school, and I'm just much more confident about who I am. So I think it should be a good time. That being said...

I received my invite and immediately thought, oh Lord, now I have to actually think about getting back into shape. Now, I've lost a good bit of weight in the past couple years, but I'll admit that since The Reason and I broke up, my health hasn't always taken top priority. I like being active, playing softball, golf, etc., but not exercising for the sake of exercising. And I love my junk food. Basically I had been living my life almost as two different lives... Sunday through Wednesday I ate well. Thursday through Saturday it was like I wanted to see how much junk food I could get in. This has changed in the past week and a half, drastically for now. I basically have started a lower-carb diet, and have maintained it very well so far. I plan on doing this through this coming Sunday, which would be 2 weeks total. As of a week in, I was down 5 pounds. Then I'm going to add "good" carbs back into my diet... whole wheat pasta, brown rice, fruit (my God, FRUIT!), and whatnot. I may also add back in a "cheat" day, or at least a "cheat" meal where I can have whatever I want. But we'll see how it goes. So what about that exercise?

I got myself up this morning, headed over to Best Buy, and bought myself a Wii Fit. Now, I understand that this is a game and so who knows if I'll really see stupendous results or anything, but I figure it's a start. If it's getting me up and moving, doing yoga, balance games, and strength training, on a regular basis, that will at least get me started and more in shape to do actual exercise (like the 5K training that I would like to do).

I'm not saying I need to lose a ton of weight or anything, but I wouldn't mind being down another 10 to 15 before the reunion. I'll try to track my progress here, as boring as that might be to any of you readers, but maybe it will make me stay more focused.

Taking it one day at a time, updated

2008-05-19T13:01:00.003-04:00

Here's a question... if you go into dating someone with that person saying he isn't sure if he's ready for a relationship, but he likes you and likes hanging out with you and just wants to take things slow, what do you do? On the one hand you may think, "Good. He's being honest with me, and we'll just see how it goes." On the other hand, you may think, "Okay, but how long do I wait for you to decide? I don't want to waste a bunch of time with you if there's someone else out there who might be ready for a relationship."

That was basically what Bass told me Saturday night, well okay Sunday morning, as we laid in his bed together. I stressed out about it all day yesterday. I mean, I don't want to waste a bunch of time, but I do like him and like spending time with him. And we were together, by his doing, for like half the weekend. Do I know if he's "the one"? No, I have no idea! And I shouldn't know by now... we've only been talking for a month! So I don't expect him to know either. I think it's good that he's aware of his issues and is up-front about it and what he's thinking. He doesn't want to rush into anything. That's fine with me.

So I guess what I need to decide is how long do we continue what we're doing before I say "peace out" if he still can't decide. I'm thinking if we've been talking for like three months or so, he should feel ready to at least call me his girlfriend. Am I right? I know I shouldn't put a time limit on these things, but seriously, if we can hang out a couple times a week for 3 months... I just refuse to wait around wondering if he'll ever be ready. But for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. And I'm pretty much at peace with this decision. I like him, he likes me. We enjoy spending time together. I'm not going to actively look to date other people, but if something comes up, then it comes up. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy what we've got going on.

Oh, and I passed the friend test! We actually met a few of each others friends last Friday, and he told me that his friends really liked me and he better not screw it up! My friends liked him as well, and he liked them. So that's a bonus. :)

UPDATE: So, I'm not on match anymore (which is where me and Bass met) cuz I didn't feel like paying again... mind you I cancelled my account actually before Bass and I met, so it's not like I did it because I met him or anything. Anyway, I can still search people on there though and see how recently they've been on. Well I did this with Bass today, and it said he's been "active" within 24 hours, meaning after I last saw him and we had our little discussion. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does. Maybe it's cuz I thought we were on the same page of not actively looking for anyone else, but not technically together. Clearly, the page he's on is still dating around and seeing what's out there. Which should be fine with me cuz I don't know if I want to be in a serious relationship with him or not, and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. But it still bothers me. And I know that him being on doesn't necessarily mean anything... maybe someone sent him an email and he logged on to read it but didn't respond or anything. I totally did this to myself though. I shouldn't have looked to see if he had been on recently and then I would have been blissfully unaware. Remind me not to look again.

It's Been A While...

2008-05-12T17:02:00.003-04:00

After typing the title of the upcoming post, all I can think about is that Staind song with the same title... and that song for some reason makes me think about this guy I dated in Miami in 2002. And that? Kinda makes me wanna vomit. We didn't have the healthiest of relationships and I don't like going back there in my mind. But seriously, none of this has anything to do with the rest of the post, so I think I'll just get on with it...

This month has been slightly busier at work, which is why it's been a while since I've posted anything, seeing as how I normally post at work, when I should be working. Whatever. So I've been busier, which is why I haven't written, but I'm going to get back into it.

I think things have also been going well the past couple weeks, so I haven't had as much to complain/whine/stress about, which is what usually prompts me to write in the first place. The guy I've been talking to, we'll call him Bass from now on for reasons that I choose not to share at this point, is still around. We've been talking (I think that would be the right term in the dating dictionary, although I've never been real good at that lingo) for about 3 and a half weeks, been out four times, would have been out a fifth time already if I had actually gotten his text Saturday, and have plans to get together sometime this week. There's been lots of making out, but no sex, which is good. Well, good in the "if I want to see where this is going, we should wait before having sex" sense. Not so much in the "I'm really horny and would like to get some" kinda way.

The thing about Bass is that he's very casual in this whole talking to one another thing, and it's not what I'm used to. We don't really make plans to hang out or get together too far in advance, if at all. Which is fine, I guess. But it does make it a little difficult to figure out what he's thinking. And if one more person says "Maybe that's just the way he is..." I think I may scream. I understand that this may be how he is, but it doesn't make it easier to figure out. Now don't get me wrong, I like him. And I'm really not freaking out about it. I think he likes me too. I guess I wouldn't mind seeing him a little more often than once a week, but for now, things are good with him. My friends desperately want to meet him, but I'm not sure he's ready for that. I never know what guys think about that. I mean, in my mind, just because I invite you to do something where you'd meet my friends doesn't mean I think you're my boyfriend or anything. Usually it just means that I'm doing something with my friends that I think you'd like too. Bottom line: Things with Bass are good, I'm cautiously optimistic (cuz it seems like when I think things are okay, that's when they go to shit), and I'm not freaking out about it.

It did get me thinking the other night though. I still honestly can't imagine calling a man other than my ex (the one who broke my heart and is the reason for the whole start of the blog, in fact I think I'll call him The Reason from now on, just to keep things clear) my boyfriend. It's weird cuz I had that brief fling with the young ex, but it was so short-lived that I don't really necessarily consider him an ex. I was absolutely in love with The Reason and was confident I'd be with him forever. I realize now that's not the case. He's happily moved on. I've moved on, albeit with some pushing and shoving, but moved on all the same. And I really don't want to be with him anymore. But I can't imagine my life with someone else either. When I picture my future now, I almost can't picture ever being with anyone. I can't picture my life where I come home to someone every night. Where I have to clean and cook more often. Where finding "me time" is difficult cuz someone else is always there.

I've always pictured myself having a very normal relationship, almost from like the 50's or so. I'd get home from work first, straighten up a bit and start cooking dinner. My husband would come home a little later to a house that smelled delicious and we'd have a nice dinner. Afterwards, I'd clean up and do some fun "me time" stuff while he did who knows what in his office. Then we'd spend the evening together doing whatever we wanted. Maybe this sounds old-fashioned or unrealistic, but it's what I always pictured. Now? Not so much. I guess more than anything I just can't picture what my future will look like. Maybe it's just cuz I don't have someone currently in my life that I want all that with (after all, Bass and I have only been talking for less than a month). I'm still hopeful, but The Reason really did a number on me I guess.

This post? It just proves that I should have something particular in mind when I set out writing. Otherwise it has no definite beginning, middle, or end and just tends to ramble on and on and on... My apologies for the randomness.

Tag - You're it!

2008-05-05T12:32:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged by ChickBug... so here are some fun facts that you may not know about me. Enjoy!

The details:
-post the rules on your blog
-write six random things about yourself in a blog post
-tag six people in your post
-let each person know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
-let the tagger know your entry is up

1.) I took a cooking class recently where I learned how to make homemade pasta, from flour and eggs. Yesterday I attempted doing this myself at home... it was what I'm calling a beautiful disaster. It took me four and a half hours and my kitchen is still in shambles (the disaster part), but the end result was totally worth it!

2.) I admit that I broke out into a huge stupid grin when I got a text yesterday from the guy I've been talking to that said "Hey there hot stuff." I still can't tell if he's into me or just likes making out with me, but being called hot is always nice and I think a step in the right direction. And yes, I'm still grinning about it everytime I think about it.

3.) I would love to try my hand at flipping a house. This is something my mother and I have talked about in the past, but obviously the housing market is not primed for something like this right now. Plus, I feel as though I should wait until finances are a little less tight. But I think it would be so much fun to try at least once!

4.) Although I'm back living in C-bus (that's Columbus, Ohio for all of you who don't know), I am still addicted to Miami sports teams... the Dolphins, the Marlins, and (most importantly) the Hurricanes. I'm even known to watch/keep track of Marlins games on the computer since I don't get them on TV.

5.) Eyes freak me out. Not the pretty, everyday eyes. But anytime there's a horror movie and something happens with someone's eye... totally grosses me out! I can see as much blood and gore with other parts of the body, but not eyes.

6.) My dad still mows my lawn. I realize this makes me sound spoiled (and maybe I am a little, but I appreciate everything my parents still do for me), but he actually enjoys it. He's the type of person who always has to have something going on. He can't take it if he has nothing to do. Plus, often when I'm planning on mowing myself, he comes over and does it before I have the chance.

Okay so not too many people read my blog, so anyone who has left comments for me is fair game in my opinion. That being said, I'm tagging... Jamie, Edger, and Simply Taylor.

Travel and money

2008-05-01T14:52:00.002-04:00

We were talking about that "Where in the World is Matt Lauer" segment today at work and it got me thinking about travel. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on this segment, having never seen it before, but I totally love the sound of it. To be able to just travel around the world, visiting foreign lands, gathering knowledge about the history and culture of different countries... that would be amazing. Which has me asking myself, "Well, what's stopping you?"

The answer is simple: money. But I know that it won't always be an issue. This past year I have done a lot to help my financial situation out... contributing to my 401(k) at work, paying off some debt (still lots to go, but getting there), reading and following financial advice from Suze Orman (financial goddess in my opinion), and just generally trying to save more money. I am also going to start keeping a money diary to see if there are other ways I can cut down on my spending.

My goal here is to plan a trip to Ireland. An extended trip. And I think a trip all by myself. I would love to feel confident enough to go to a foreign country alone and really immerse myself in the culture and history of it. And Ireland, for whatever reason, is a country I have always been fascinated by. I blame Nora Roberts for this, having read several of her romance novels that were set there as a teenager and, therefore, deciding that it must be the most magical, romantic country ever. I'm thinking planning this for sometime in 2010, to give me enough time to have the money for it and research exactly what I want to do while I'm there.

So, you've read it here first. And I fully allow any of you on future postings to shame me for buying things that I don't actually need rather than saving up for my trip. It would help me immensely!

Demons

2008-04-30T15:10:00.003-04:00

I had a moment last night when all my demons about my ex, demons I though I had exorcised and gotten out of my system, came rushing back. I was taking a cooking class at Williams-Sonoma (how to make home-made pasta, yummy!), which was located at a mall near his house. Now, driving up there I started to feel a little anxious. After all, I was heading back to a place that I hadn't been in many months. A place that held so many memories of him and I together. Not that we went to this particular mall together too often, but on a couple occasions we did, and really I think it was just being in the general vicinity. Driving down roads I used to take to his place, seeing restaurants we had gone to, remembering all the laughing and fun we had. But I shook this off, and thought to myself, "This mall holds no significance for the two of you. Williams-Sonoma holds no significance for the two of you. You will be just fine and will not think of him. He means nothing to you anymore, after all."

And this worked for the majority of the time. In fact, once I got there I was just happy to learn about cooking and pushed him far from my mind (which is where he is most of the time anyway). Then, about halfway through the class, I heard the security guard out in the corridors of the mall say "Hello, how are you guys tonight?" (or something to that effect, really the exact quote doesn't matter). And for some reason, my heart, mind, and the pit of my stomach, just knew that if I turned around I would see the ex with his new girlfriend. It shook me to the absolute core, and I'm not really sure why. It completely terrified me. Of course, likely it wasn't them (I obviously didn't turn around to find out), but it made me realize that I am in no way, shape, or form ready for the potential run-in with him. And I really thought I'd be okay with it if I saw him again. Of course, in all my thoughts of potentially seeing him, we were both out with friends at a bar, which in my mind seemed a lot less scary than seeing him sober at Williams-Sonoma.

I thought I was completely over him. Does this incident mean I'm really not? Or is it just that when you've cared about someone so deeply, those feelings never completely go away?

Who I Am

2008-04-28T14:58:00.002-04:00

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a mother to my dog. I am a behavior educator who tries to help children. I am there for people when they need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. I am always trying to make sure the people I love know it, whether it be through words or actions. I am lucky to have friends and family in my life who are so wonderful. That's who I am.

I am a golfer, a softball player, and a runner. I am someone who tries to be active and enjoy the outdoors as much as possible. I am someone who sometimes just wants to sit and waste hours watching reality television. I am often getting lost in a good book. I am someone who believes in the motto "work hard, play hard," even if I end up procrastinating. I am someone who can be lazy at times and sleep the day away. That's who I am.

I am someone who continues searching for love, even though I am constantly told that it will find me when I stop looking. I am someone who hates dating, but loves being in relationships. I am aware that I don't need to be with someone, but also aware that I want to be with someone. I am a great kisser. I am someone who is not afraid of PDAs. I am someone who will call you, text you, or email you if I like you, regardless of whether that makes me appear too into you or desperate. That's who I am.

I am impatient when I want something. I am easily frustrated when things do not work out the way I want. I am someone who likes to have a schedule and know what is coming up. I am indecisive and often need several opinions before I can make a decision. I am someone who hates change, even though I realize that it can make us stronger. I am someone who cries easily, for happy and sad reasons. I am the type of girl who wears her heart on her sleave. That's who I am.

I am confident in my appearance, even if I'd like to lose 20 pounds. I am a typical woman who loves shopping, make-up, purses, and shoes, though not necessarily in that order. I am funny and always trying to find the humor in life's adventures. I am easily excited. I am a woman who likes to get dolled up and go out for a night of drinking, but one who also sometimes just wants to stay in and cuddle with that special someone. That's who I am.

I am intelligent, having both a bachelor's and master's degree. I am not very interested in world events, even though I know they can have an impact on me. I am much more content reading about celebrity gossip. I am a girl who loves her football games in the Fall and March Madness in the Spring. I am always up for playing board games or having a Wii tournament. That's who I am.

I am loyal and trusting to a fault. I am always searching out the best in people, even long after they deserve it. I am someone who believes in giving second chances, and third, and sometimes fourth. I am forgiving, although I don't always forget. I am passionate and stubborn. I am sincere and honest. That's who I am.

Take it or leave it. Love me or hate me. That's who I am.

Who are you?

Another date

2008-04-23T15:29:00.003-04:00

So I went out with this new guy last night... and we proceeded to get totally smashed. He (wrongly) thought it would be good idea to have that one last shot of tequila, after having two vodka tonics, two other tequila shots, a lemon drop, and a Miller light. I (wrongly) agreed with him. I paid for it this morning. I woke up with a headache and upset stomach after about 5 and a half hours of sleep. Thankfully, I'm feeling better now. I no longer feel as if I might die any second. And I think I may just manage to stay awake the rest of the day in order to see my patients. Yay me!

But back to the date... I think I might like him. He was funny, nice, cute, and we had a lot in common. The alcohol, of course, also made us think it would be a good idea to make out. So we did. We were all sorts of PDAing at the bar. Shame on us! But still, it was nice. We're supposed to get together tonight, which I would be looking forward to a lot more if I wasn't exhausted. Maybe we can go out to dinner and then he can come back to my place to veg out in front of some realisty television (one of both of our guilty pleasures)... but then again I don't want to send the wrong signal. Plus I have just met him so maybe I don't want him to know where I live just yet. I guess we'll see. Going out for dinner would be a plus though... I've been craving Greek food lately...

American Idol

2008-04-17T16:39:00.004-04:00

I'm gonna admit it... I am in love with David Cook from American Idol. I didn't realize it until very recently. Sometimes things like that happen to me... I'm going along on my day to day routine and then BAM! I find myself in love with a reality TV contestant or some character on a show. I'm fully aware that I will never meet these people, but this is the safest way for me to be in love without getting hurt, so I'm okay with it. And quite frankly, in the case of the TV characters, these people don't even exist. But I disgress...

David Cook from AI did not start out as my favorite person on the show. I actually didn't even like him at all, not one little bit... but then, he started getting better. And it was he rendition of "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey that put me over the edge with him this week. I've decided he could sing that song to me anytime he wanted to. And then to find out last night that he is indeed single! Oh the joy!

I think he could very well win the whole thing, but I actually would prefer that he didn't I think. I mean, Chris Daughtry didn't win his year and he's had a lot more freedom (and hits!) from his album than any other contestant that year. Other than Kelly and Carrie, I generally think people who don't win do better in actual sales. Okay, maybe only Daughtry although Eliot Yamin (my other love, who, swoon!, was also on the show last night) hasn't done too bad. I'm not sure who I want to win this season. Anyone have any thoughts or people they want to see win it all?

Well now that that's over...

2008-04-16T12:28:00.003-04:00

I just sent the guy I'd been talking to a text asking him if he wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow night. This is what I got in response: "No I have a friend in from out of town. I think you are a great person but I think we are better off as friends." So that's that I guess. I don't get it, since he was obviously into me before. Maybe I said something to make him question it. Maybe this "friend" from out of town is really an ex who he's trying to work things out with (since that's happened to me before). Who knows.

I'm a little hurt by it, after all rejection never feels good. But not terribly so. I think after I got used to him not calling and texting every day like he had when we first started talking, I kinda figured he wasn't interested anymore. When he still randomly would call or text, it was just confusing so at least now I know.

I'm not good at "dating." This is something I've come to realize. I'm great at being a girlfriend, but horrible at dating. I don't play the games well. I hate waiting around and wondering. And I can't date more than one person at a time. If I'm interested in someone, that's who I want to hang out with. Even if we haven't had "the talk" and made things official or anything, if I like you I'm not going to be looking anywhere else. I hate having to go through all the getting to know you bs with someone new all the time. So I'm not good at the dating, because not knowing where I stand with someone tends to make me a little crazy. But I guess it's back to the drawing board once again. I feel like I'm getting too old for this...

left in the dust

2008-04-15T12:46:00.003-04:00

I know I've written about this before, but I guess it's still bugging me, so I need to vent a little more. I feel like I've been left behind from all my friends, now that they are all in loving relationships. Like I said before, they deserve it. But everything seems different now.

I went out with S and Fly Boy on Saturday night. Now you may recall that I was grumpy that day anyway, so maybe it wasn't the best choice to go out with the two of them. Either way, I did. I figured it would be a good opportunity to get a guy's opinion about this guy I've been talking about. But when I start telling him the story, mentioning that it was an online thing, he rolled his eyes. I don't think this would have bugged me so much if I hadn't already been grumpy, but it set me off that night. It made me feel pathetic for dating online, even though clearly I'm not meeting anyone any other way. And when I'm already feeling a little low about being the only one without someone, I didn't need that. So I basically just became a bitch the rest of the night... refused to tell the rest of the story and said something like "why don't you guys just go back to making out, since that's so much fun for me." I didn't really talk to them, I didn't really smile, I didn't really do much of anything. Not one of my finer moments. I felt bad and apologized the next day, and they both said it was no big deal. But since then, things have seemed more strained with S. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, as I'm likely to do, but it just seems a little distant.

I don't need a guy to validate me and know that I'm an amazing woman. I really don't. I know this may not come across very often, since I'm always talking about my love life, or lack thereof, but it's true. I'm doing my own thing most of the time. I'm taking golf lessons, playing on a softball team this summer, and thinking about how I can improve this program I'm running at work. I generally am content with things. But it would just be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with one night if I don't feel like cooking. Or cuddle and watch movies with some Friday night cuz I don't feel like going to a bar. Or go take a wlk with on a nice spring afternoon. Just some compainionship I guess.

The guy continues to be confusing. I texted him Friday to see how he was feeling. He was still sick so it was a very brief conversation. But at least he texted back. And then Sunday morning he called me to chit chat a bit. We talked for about 10 minutes and he said he'd call me back after he got done eating. He never called back and didn't answer when I called him that night to see if he wanted to do something this week. He texted me yesterday to see how my day was going, again a very brief conversation, and then when I again asked if he wanted try and get together sometime this week, I got no response. So i've basically decided to just not worry about it any more. If he likes me, and he appears to still have some interest in me since he called and texted the past 2 days, then I'll hear from him again and probably eventually see him again. If he doesn't, then it's his loss and it wasn't meant to be. We'll see...

Oh, and I got a text from the young ex the other night also. He's apparently single again, since he's texting me. He always comes back to me. Luckily my phone wasn't near me, and by the time I got back to him he was already getting ready for bed... cuz I haven't gotten laid in a while and so I probably would have given in! lol

Grumpy

2008-04-12T18:20:00.002-04:00

I'll admit it... I'm a little grumpy today. It's one of those days where I don't really want to go out tonight, but I don't wanna just hang out at home by myself either. I went out last night and had a good time, but money is a little tight until I get paid again, so I'm trying to not spend too much. Plus, whereas the weather was in the 60's last night and clear, today it's only been mid-40's and rainy off and on all day... so it will be much colder and really the perfect night to just stay in and cuddle by the fire with your man. Of course I don't have a man to do that with. The guy I've been talking to (and about on the blog for the last week or so) is sick, and quite honestly I'm not sure he's that into me anymore. So even if he wasn't sick, I probably wouldn't give him a call to invite him over to cuddle by the fire anyway.

So as I'm driving me and S to the bar last night, she's on the phone with her bf Fly Boy. As she's getting off the phone she says "I love you too." I seriously did a double-take. Mind you, these guys have been dating for only slightly over a month! And they are already to the "I love you" every time they hang up the phone stage?! Granted they have known each other for years, since high school, and I don't have any doubt that they mean it and aren't just saying it to say it. But still, I was shocked. And then it got me thinking about how long it's been since I've had someone say that to me on a regular basis. Yeah, yeah my friends and family tell me, but I mean a guy. Even the ex, who I dated for over a year, didn't say it on a regular basis. He was so emotionally immature that he barely ever said it, unless I said it first and he felt like he was obligated. I seriously think there was only one or two times he said it to me first. And before him, I was single fo a while, only dating here and there but never anywhere near the "I love you" phase. Sadly I think I'd have to go all the way back to the guy I dated for 3 and a half year, between the ages of 16 and 20, to find a guy who told me he loved me on a daily basis. This is such a sad realization.

Crisis Averted

2008-04-09T21:19:00.002-04:00

Okay so I was obsessing over nothing I guess. He called me tonight and apologized for not calling me back last night. He apparently was at a friend's house and didn't get home until late. I of course told him it was no big deal... little does he know I was sweating it all day. He doesn't need to know that.

I think it was a lack of confidence thing with me. As many times as I've been through this, I think I just tend to see the negative in guys. Which isn't fair to the good ones, which this guy might be, but unfortunately they have to be the ones to pay for all the assholes from my past.

Anyway, we didn't talk for very long (only about 10 minutes) and he told me he thought he was coming down with a cold. He said that he'd call me tomorrow "or something." So I'm feeling a little better. After all, he didn't have to call if he didn't want to. :)

Thinking

2008-04-09T12:55:00.002-04:00

You know how when you are trying not to think about something, that's all you can think about? Well that's my issue now. Still no word from the guy... which yeah I still need to just chill about. And I think I have somewhat... I've taken the "well, if I don't hear from him, whatever... it was just two dates and a week outta my time that I wasted on him" attitude (I sound pretty pessimistic I guess, but that's what happens when you've dealt with as many assholes as I have in the past).

And so I'm trying everything not to think about it. I'm at work, I'm actually pretty busy, and yet every few minutes my mind drifts back to wondering if he's gonna call or not. Like I said before, I wouldn't be freaking out if I hadn't heard from him every single day since first talking to him... but I had, and now I haven't heard anything for almost 2 full days (okay, I exaggerate... a day and a half). Even if it was just something like he's over on his cell phone minutes and text messages, he could send me an email to let me know that. It wasn't like all he wanted was sex and once he got that he never called again... we obviously haven't had sex. Now maybe that's all he did want and figured that he wasn't going to get it easily from me, so he's decided to move on... but he honestly didn't seem like that type of guy. He honestly seemed like a genuinely nice guy (which is probably why I'm not sure if I like him, since I typically go for the bad boy type).

In any case, I'm trying not to think about it, and that's all I seem to be able to think about. I often wonder if I'm the only one who has this problem. I wish I could just turn my brain off for a while. Okay, back to work...

Someone tell me to chill!

2008-04-08T20:22:00.003-04:00

Okay so funny thing... as you've all read, I don't know about this guy I've been talking to. Whether I like him as a friend or like him like him. And I know I said I was just going to se what happens. Unfortunately, that is completely against my nature.

Being a girl and in the psychology field, I overanalyze everything. So here I am, thinking the date last night went great... making out and all. When I was leaving, he walked me out to my car and told me to text him when I got home. Now, I figured that he wouldn't respond, since he was tired and probably would fall asleep by the time I got home. So I wasn't worried when he didn't text me back. And so far today I haven't heard anything from him, text or phone call. And when I decided to just call him, he didn't answer and hasn't called back yet. This wouldn't normally freak me out, but it's the first day since we started talking that I haven't heard anything from him.

So I know, or at least hope, I'm just worried for no reason and that he's probably just busy today and he'll call or text when he gets a chance. But seriously, someone tell me to chill and not flip out about it!!! And here's the kicker... does this mean that I like him more than I thought? Or do I just like the attention I was getting from him? Help!!

dating update

2008-04-07T15:24:00.003-04:00

So the date went well. We went to a little Mexican restaurant, which was quite tasty. He's cute-ish. I'm not sure he's someone I would have found cute if I had just randomly met him when I was out with friends... but definitely not ugly or anything. The thing with me is that I am someone who admits that looks do play a big part in relationships. I mean, you have to physically be attracted to the person in order to want to make the effort to get to know them. I'm not saying they're everything, but they are important. But I'm trying to allow myself to not stress that too much. Like I said, he's cute-ish so worth another date or so.

He does have a good personality. He's a talker, which is important to me. He's always telling stories and manages to keep the conversation going, which is a plus. I can totally see hanging out with him, getting together for drinks, in a group of friends, etc. I'm not sure yet if I see him more as a friend or a potential bf. But again, I'm trying not to stress too much about that yet either.

He texted practically right after the date to say he had fun, so no "3-day rule" with him. This is something that thrills me! I can't tell you how annoyed I get playing games and waiting and seeing... if you like someone, just let them know. Then he called me later that day and texted me that night. Now, some people might think this is a bit much, but it was nice. It wasn't done in a crazy stalkerish kinda way. We talked briefly again Sunday.

Then yesterday he texts me while I was at work and invites me over for dinner. So I go over there. He had made tacos, which were delish, and then we hung out for a while... played some Wii, and then made out a bit. It was nice. I'm still not sure how I like him or anything though. I was discussing it with my bf S and we decided that I'm probably not sure because it's different than what I'm used to... I usually have that instinctive "I want to get you into bed, rip your clothes off, and spend hours at a time there" feel to guys that I date. With him, it's all very nice and pleasant, but I don't have that "rip your clothes off" mentality. And maybe that's a good thing. Obviously I'm still single for a reason, and if this is starting off differently than the way most of my relationships start off, then maybe I just need to chill and see what happens with it.

Weekend date

2008-04-04T18:16:00.002-04:00

Since all my friends have gone and gotten themselves paired up with someone (see this post) I once again decided to try the online dating thing. Now I've done this before, which is I how I met the ex that caused all of this blogging to begin with, so while some good has come of it before, so has some heartache. And I'll admit that I wasn't sure I was ready for all that again. But I figured it might be a good way to get some free food and drinks, which I am always up for.

So this weekend I have a lunch date with this guy who seems utterly charming and funny. We actually had emailed/talked a bit back in December (the last time I did online dating) and we got along well then. But then we kinda lost touch. I think he was talking to a couple other girls at the same time and decided to see how things would work out with one of them, since he was supposed to call me and then I just never heard from him again. Can't really fault him for that since that kinda comes with the territory of online dating... you're dating around, seeing what happens, etc.

Anyway, so he emails me Monday, we talk on the phone Tuesday night, he sends me a text Wednesday, calls me Thursday night, and has texted me today. We made plans on Tuesday to grab lunch this weekend, so that's happening tomorrow. I'm apprehensively looking forward to it. I'm not convinced I want to go, but mostly because I'm tired of dating around and just want to be with a good guy. But I understand this is the first step to figure out if he is a good guy.

I'll keep you all posted.

WPD

2008-04-02T13:48:00.003-04:00

Let me tell you a story of a most wonderfully perfect day... (I told you I'd be happy during this post!)

It was a few years ago... let's say maybe sometime in 2004. I was still living in Miami, finishing up my master's degree. I wake up one Wednesday morning to find that my car, a convertible, had been broken into via knife through the roof. I know, I know... you're thinking "How in the world is this going to be a wonderfully perfect day?" Well, you're right. That wasn't the wonderfully perfect day (let's abbreviate this to WPD from now on). But this event caused me to have the WPD, so in hindsight I'm not too upset about it. Plus it got me out of work for that day... yes I could still drive, but I had to deal with the insurance company and figure out what to do, etc. Maybe it was just a good excuse. I digress...

So two days later, Friday, I was scheduled to take my car in to get a new roof put on first thing in the morning. Luckily I had nothing going on this day... no classes, no work, nothing. I drop my car off at the roof place which was very conveniently located across the street from The Falls, which was a lovely outdoor type of mall. The people at the roof place have no idea how long it will take, but my car should be done sometime early to mid afternoon. I give them my cell phone number and head off to the mall where I completely indulged myself all day.

I started off having some coffee and breakfast at the Starbucks and then wandered around for a while window-shopping, as most stores were not yet open. I come across a salon-type of place, so I treat myself to a pedicure. Ahh... how relaxing. By the time this is over, stores are open and I'm free to shop to my heart's content. What fortunate timing, as I had just gotten my tax refund and had money burning a hole in my pocket. So I buy myself some new clothes as well as a new Coach purse and matching wallet. I have lunch at Johnny Rocket's and then decided to go see a movie. By the time the movie was over, the roof place had called, my car was done and I was free to go on my way back home.

This may sound like just another day to anyone else, but to me... it was a WPD. I felt like I didn't have a care in the world (despite the fact that my car had been broken into just days earlier) and spending so much time with just me was great. At lunch I allowed myself to just people watch and not be concerned that they might have found it strange that I was eating by myself. And going to a movie by myself was also great. For once I didn't feel self-conscious about what others thought. Who cared? I'd never see these people again.

It's a day I would love to repeat, except for the whole needing to get a new roof on my car. But the whole relaxed, do whatever, treat myself kind of day. And I don't know why I don't do this more often. I would love to just go to lunch by myself and then go see a movie. I guess part of me feels guilty about taking time for just myself. I was forced to with the whole roof thing... there was no way for me to get home and nothing else for me to do for at least 5 hours. Here, I feel like indulging like this would make me think about all the things I should be doing with my time and money, instead of treating myself to a WPD. Anyone else ever feel this way? Why do we think we have to always do for others when our main focus should be making sure we take care of ourselves? I think I'm going to plan another WPD soon... although sadly I don't think another new Coach purse would be in the plans, still need to save a bit more money for that!

Typical weekend?

2008-03-31T12:23:00.002-04:00

I feel like this past weekend is going to be very typical of weekends to come now that all my friends have bfs. (I'm still a little jealous, see my last post, although I think I'm getting slightly better... maybe... we'll see how bitter I become by the end of this post).

Anyway, Friday night I went out with S and her bf, Fly Boy (he's a pilot). Just the three of us. Now let me explain... he's a great guy. He's very good about going out with me and S... he dances with both of us, buys us both drinks, doesn't mind getting left alone if S and I want to dance by ourselves. It's just that towards the end of the night, they start kissing more, touching more, being a little more stuck together. This of course coincides with me being at least slightly buzzed (after all it's the end of the night and we've been drinking) and therefore more likely to get sad and lonely. So I feel like everytime the three of us go out, I end the night in or close to tears. Fly Boy is pretty soon going to think I'm loony!

Saturday, Fly Boy had to leave for work... being a pilot he's here a few days, gone a few days. I spend my day doing not a whole lot having slept until 1 in the afternoon. My mom came over around dinner time and we played the Wii and ordered a pizza. S texts me and wants to know if I'm up for doing anything that night. And while I wouldn't mind staying in (I'm getting old!) I say sure. We make plans to go out around 10:30. Well I get a call from her around 10:15 saying her son, who had spent the afternoon with his until-recently-absent-father, still wasn't home and so it would be a little later. I say that's fine and tell her that I'll wait to hear from her again before getting ready. Big shock... I never hear from her (sarcasm intended)... she sometimes ditches me like that. She apparently got into a huge fight with her parents, who she lives with with her son, about the fact that she was letting babby daddy back in the picture. While this weekend I really didn't care, since I was only marginal about going out in the first place, if she starts never wanting to go out unless Fly Boy is there, I'm going to be one annoyed best friend.

Sunday I did laundry, thought about going to the grocery store, realized I'd have to go to the store today so that I could pick up my birth control perscription so decided to just wait to go grocery shopping today as well, thought about how it was pointless these days for me to even be on birth control, straightened up my family room and kitchen a bit, watched some DVR'd shows, and played the Wii. It was a good day although left me wishing I had someone to share it with.

I swear my next post will not be a "poor me" post like the last two...

Jealousy issues

2008-03-26T13:27:00.002-04:00

I admit that I have always had a slight problem with being more jealous than I should be, typically in relationships. I normally wouldn't have a problem if the guy I was seeing/dating/whatever was talking to some other girl if we were out together, but if he talked to the same "other girl" several times, I'd start questioning his intentions with her, and jealousy would rear it's ugly head. I've actually gotten much better about this as I've gotten older though, so props for me!

Today, however, I have experienced jealousy in a different light. Here's the scenario: my core group of friends includes me and three other women about the same age as me. We all started hanging out together on a regular basis during the past year or so. All of us were single, so we had the "I hate men!" philosophy in common and generally had a great time going out together, drinking, making out with random strangers, and all leaving together so as to not get ourselves into any compromising situations with the random strangers we had spent the night making out with.

Fast forward to December. One of the girls decides she's going to give her ex, who's about to leave for the Navy, another chance. So we stop hearing from her pretty much completely. If/when she did call us, she would expect us to rearrange our plans so that they accomodated her. We weren't really into doing that, so she stopped hanging out with us. She's now content to be in a long-distance relationship and when we do invite her out, she never can join for whatever reason.

Fast forward another couple of months. Another one of the group goes to Virginia Beach with her roommate (also a friend of ours, but she doesn't come out as regularly as the core group did) who's boyfriend is in the Navy there. So, the women from the core comes back gushing about this guy she met and how wonderful he is. He comes up the following weekend to visit her, she goes back the next weekend to visit him, and now, she's happily in a long-distance relationship where she travels to VB a couple times a month.

About the same time as VB boy was becoming bf of J from the core (yes the same J who's been written about before), S (yes the same S as before) gets a visit from a male friend of hers from high school. We all hang out several times together, and they make out all the time. Now, they aren't technically together, but it's heading that way since she ditched plans that the three of us had last night so that they could sleep together for the first time.

So that leaves me. The only one left in the group without a man. And I'm jealous, I admit it. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends... I really am. They are all wonderful women who deserve to be happy and in good relationships with men who will treat them right. I just think i deserve the same thing and feel left out since I'm the sole single gal left. I feel like J and S are going to continously ditch me for their men and I'm going to be spending my weekends at home, by myself, playing the Wii. Or, if S does continue to go out with me and her man, I end up feeling like the third wheel, drinking by myself while they make out.

Maybe it's just cuz S ditched me last night that I'm feeling like this today. But really... I don't know. Especially cuz now all my friends continuously tell me or talk between themselves about how they need to "find Jenn a nice guy." I feel like their charity case. And I'm jealous. Any advice?

Another weekend

2008-02-11T14:55:00.000-05:00

Another weekend has come and gone, leaving me with more confusion regarding M. I will start off by saying that I probably shouldn't have even been out this past Saturday. Last Tuesday I started getting sick. Wednesday I felt worse and by Thursday I had a temperature of 103 and a positive flu test. I stayed home from work Thursday and Friday, wallowing in my misery. Saturday I was feeling better, but really knew I should probably have stayed in and rested up. Unfortunately, Saturday was also my friend J's birthday... and I am not one to miss out on celebrating a friend's bday. So I loaded myself up with motrin and sudafed and headed out, thinking (wrongly) that I would only have one shot and I'd come home early. Three or four shots later, as the bars are closing, I'm being dragged off to have food with J and the gang, meaning I don't get home until about 4:30. Amazingly, I didn't feel any worse yesterday after the drunken night.

So we start off at a different bar, but still one we go to often. M walks in with some of his friends later when I'm getting ready to have the first of the aforementioned shots. He does the head nod greeting to me across the bar. After the shot, I go over (cuz I am not going to have a repeat of the weekend before) and give him a hug and chitchat with him for a few minutes as he's playing pool. I leave him wanting more (at least in my mind) by cutting the convo a little short and say I'm going back to the other side to hang out with my friends. He says okay and that he'd probably be over there in a bit. He never really does end up over on the other side of the bar, but that's okay. We at least acknowledge each other whenever we walk past one another or when we make eye contact. Later on in the night, he comes over to me and says that they're all going to the other bar that we usually go to, and asks if we're gonna come. I say that we are getting our tabs then and then we'll be on our way.

We get to the other bar and he's of course in the middle of all the action, dancing with some of his girl friends (he has a lot of those). I don't worry about these girls because I think they all have boyfriends, and I've known about them for a while anyway, so whatever. But it makes it awkward when I don't really know them, and M is with them, for me to go over to M and start dancing with him. So we kinda don't say much to each other at this point. Okay, the bar is getting ready to close and M is leaving. He tells me before he leaves where they're all going, so of course J and I go there after we pay the tab. There's about 12 of us at this place, with tables shoved together to make one big table to sit at. M is on the other side of the table and, according to J (who is drunk by this point, so who knows if she was right), he keeps looking over at me. Well at the end of the night, when we're waiting for our checks, I get up to go to the bathroom and I see M look over at me, and I watch him out of the corner of my eye as he watches me walk across the restaurant. Finally, I look over at him, make eye contact, and wink at him. He smiles and winks back. But other than that... nothing. So we pay and get ready to leave and I go say goodbye to him and he says he'll talk to me soon and gives me a hug.

It's just confusing. Does he like me or not? At this point I almost don't care one way or the other, I'd just like to know. Obviously I'd rather him like me, but if he doesn't, that's cool, I just want to know instead of feeling like there's mixed messages. And maybe there really isn't mixed messages. Maybe I'm reading too much into the "friendly" things he does and he really does only like me as a friend. Although J told me earlier that night that B had told her that M never takes girls home, so he must really like me since he took me home that night. Okay, if that's the case then what happened? Cuz he's not acting interested anymore since then. Maybe I just create drama to try and make my life seem more interesting than it really is.

Smitten

2008-02-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

Well here I am with updates. Turns out, this last guy who I had developed what I thought was a harmless crush on... well apparently I'm "smitten" with him. Who knew?! I'll tell you who knew... apparently all my friends. I discovered this after last Saturday. we hadn't seen each other since we slept together, and like I said in my last post, I had texted him once during the week and never heard from him. Well the bar was unusually pack when we got there Saturday night, and my friend and I were quite anxious about seeing the boys (her story is probably more complicated than my own, and I think I will blog about it sometime cuz I need some help in trying to deal with it... confusing, no?). So we get there, I make eye contact with my guy, but he was all the way through the crowd near the pool tables at the back of the bar. So we decide to go to the bar first to get drinks. We get there, wait a ridiculous 15 minutes or so before actually getting served, and in the meantime convince a couple guys to give up their seats for us. Well once we had seats at the bars, we didn't want to move, so we waited there figuring the guys would come talk to us.

(I think I will start inserting initials for the people in this story from now on to make it a little less confusing. No garauntee that's going to work though, especially since many people have names that start witht he same letter, so I'm going to make up some of these initials and hope I keep them straight for the entire length of the post).

Okay so me and my friend J are sitting there at the bar. M (the guy I was crushing on) goes to the other side of the bar and gets drinks. Next thing we know, M and B (the guy my friend J likes) and all their friends are a couple feet behind us, watching the UFC fights on the big screen. We were also coincidentally watching these same fights because... well mostly cuz that's what was on, but also because the guys who gave up their seats at the bar told us they would buy us shots if the guys we picked to win the fights actually won. Free shots, always a plus. Anyway, M's brother D was actually the first of the group to come say hello to us. Moments later, M was buying more drinks at the bar and made eye contact with me. He smiled and waved. I smiled and waved. We each went back to our business. At some point, he does come over and say hi to me and J and so does B. Basically though, M was acted more distant than he had been the past couple weeks, which was weird. And so I proceeded to get wasted.

I don't like to be ignored, especially by a guy I have a crush on who I slept with the last time I saw him. And yeah he wasn't really ignoring me, but he wasn't being himself with me either. Now maybe he was upset that I didn't say hi to him right away when I got there since he saw me come in. Maybe he didn't like seeing other guys paying attention to me and buying me drinks (I learned later that he is definitely the jealous type and has trust issues). Maybe he was just wasted as hell also. But whatever the reason, I don't like being ignored. Which to me apparently means I need to do multiple jagerbombs (I don't even know how many, I lost count) along with several beers, and at least 2 other different types of shots. Being this wasted and being ignored meant that I thought it was a good idea to not only drive to the place we were all going for food, but also to have M's brother D ride with me (his idea, btw) and make out with him. Maybe it's just something about that family?

Regardless, I'm not concerned that M is going to find out about this because they are not the type of family who talks to each other about their sex lives (thankfully) and because D is currently trying to work things out with his ex-wife. So he's not gonna be broadcasting that he made out with me. It was not a smart move, but this is what multiple jagerbombs do to my judgement.

Anyway, fast-forward to my drive home, where I was so upset about M that I called my ex-boyfriend in Miami, G, and cried to him for an hour. I was still upset the next day, so I talked to J about it, stating that I must like M more than I realized since I was so sad about him ignoring me. This is when she told me "Yeah you're completely smitten with him. I've known that for a couple weeks. I just thought you knew." Nope. I had no idea. If I thought I actually liked him I don't think I would have slept with him when I did. Later on, when I'm relaying this story (and the story of the night's events) to my friend S, she also said that she knew I liked M. Isn't it a friend's job to tell me that I actually like a guy?! I was totally blindsided by this information. And now I'm more stressed about it.

Well I wrote M an email the following day, lighthearted and breezy, saying that the night before had been crazy (especially for him since he was so drunk that he almost got kicked out of the bar and actually did get kicked out of 3 food places) and if he still wanted to see a movie soemtime I was up for it, and otherwise it was J's bday next weekend, so hopefully they'd come out in celebration. Never got a response from that. Then last night, my friend S and I go out to a bar for country night (the same place I met the young ex, T, in October and coincidentally the place I met M back in November). Well M was there again. I got a drink and immediately headed over to say hi to him, just in case that's why he was ignoring me on Saturday. He acts friendly, but doesn't really talk too much to me. S and I wander off for a while. Later on, M runs into us, throws his arm around my shoulder, I put mine around his waist, and we stand there talking a couple minutes. He then says he has to make a couple calls and then he's coming back with shots for us, which he does. So then we hang out with him and his friend C for a while at the bar but I'm kinda all over the place, not wanting to seem too into him since he doesn't seem too into me. Anyway, long story short, I go off dancing with this girl N, who I know from the bar, for a few minutes only to have S tell me that M and C left. Well great. At least I've seen him so Saturday at the bar for J's bday shouldn't be awkward.

Also, somewhat good news, maybe... this other guy at the bar last night, P, was all about me. He kept making eye contact with me, touching my back when he walked by. I mean to the point where my friend S even asked if I knew him. So after M left, I started talking to P and we exchanged numbers. He says he's going to call me on Thursday. He actually did call me after we left the bar to see if I wanted to continue drinking with him and his friend, but I declined. After all I did have to work today. So we'll see if he actually calls on Thursday.

Self-Realization

2008-01-29T14:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I haven't posted in just about forever. My apologies. I wish I could say it was because fabulous things were keeping me busy, but that's not the case. I think I just got lazy. But it's a month into the new year, and I vow to be better. Although I should point out that I've already broken most of my new year's resolutions, so who knows if this one will stick either.

So quick updates... the most recent ex (the younger one, the one who I had the most brief "relationship" with of my adult life), he still comes around. For a while I was hanging onto hope that things would work out. I missed the way he treated me when he first met me, and I wanted that back. Ultimately I knew he wasn't the right guy for me. I knew that from the beginning. I even told my friends that. And yet I still wanted to try and work things out, just so I wouldn't be alone. Now that I'm over that, he and I have somewhat of a friends with benefits type of thing going on. It doesn't happen too often, but I'm not opposed to sex with him every once in a while as long as I'm single. I do, however, have a bit of a crush on this other guy. I met him back in November, and we have become friends throughout the weeks. We always drink at the same bar, with our respective friends, on Saturdays and end up talking, drinking, and dancing together. The past couple weeks, we've also grabbed food after the bar closed together with our friends. This past weekend, I ended up back at his house and we slept together.

Here's the issue. He is hard to figure out. Does he like me? Does he just want to hook up with me? Does he just see me as a friend, but goes along with things because I'm persuing him? At times he seems into me. He has a lot of friends that are girls who he doesn't hook up with, and yet he slept with me. And he's the one who kissed me first. (Sidenote: he is an incredible kisser. I'm talking, first kiss and I had major butterflies. That does not happen for me often. I think only 3 other guys in my life have given me butterflies just by kissing). On the other hand, however, the past two weeks he and I have made plans to go see a movie together, and both times he cancelled. Well, actually, that's being nice. Both times, he just didn't call. The first time, I didn't call him. The second time, I sent him a text asking if he still wanted to see a movie that night, and I got no response. WTF?! Now, I can see him saying these things and making plans like that hoping to get me into bed. But the last time he said it was the next morning, after having slept with me. Why would he say it then if he had no intentions of following through?

One of his friends told my friend that if I liked this guy, the way I needed to act was be into him, show him a bunch of attention, and then all of a sudden act like I'm not interested in him anymore cuz he likes the chase. I HATE GAMES. Why couldn't the games have been left in high school? If I like you, you'll know it. If I sleep with you, I like you. I'm not gonna ignore you if I like you in hopes that it will make me seem more mysterious. I know guys like the chase. And I'm not saying that I'm calling him or texting him all the time. In fact, I've only called him once (when he told me to, so he knew I made it home safely, which was before we slept together) and texted him once, to ask about the movie. Other than that, I basically leave him alone until we see each other at the bar on the weekends. And even then, I usually say hi to him, give him a hug, and then hang out with my friends. It's not until we're both pretty tipsy, and dancing together, that I even start to become flirty.

So the thing is this... I know he really isn't right for me either. Like the younger guy I dated, I don't think that this guy and I have a lot in common. Plus, he has three kids (one was kind of an accident when he was younger, and the other two are from a previous marriage). I want kids of my own. I know that. And I want at least 2, AT LEAST. I'm pretty sure that any guy who already has 3 kids is not gonna want another 2 or 3 with me. And that is a deal-breaker for me.

I was laying in bed last night, overanalyzing everything about this whole mess. I often overanalyze about my life. But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I keep picking guys I don't see a future with to date/hook up with/crush on/etc. because I won't get hurt this way. I am still so heart-broken over the ex (the serious one I've mentioned previously) and I curently think that the only way to prevent feeling this way again is by never getting close enough to be hurt. And I prevent getting close to anyone by choosing guys who aren't good for me. Now maybe this is partly because I haven't met anyone who I do think would be good for me, but I think most of it is self-sabatoge. I do want to find a good guy. One who wants the same things as me. One who will want to be with me and only me forever. But maybe I'm still just not ready for that. So in the meantime, I'll keep picking these guys who I see no future with to protect myself. The only problem is that even though I see no future with these guys, they still drive me crazy! lol